<We never used force with our perfectionist and he's self motivated and will tackle anything. How do you explain that?>
First, how do you know he didn't use some kind of 'force' on himself? That's something we often have to do when faced with things we're afraid of -- taking a deep breath, steeling ourselves -- and that's part of what I had in mind when I said 'Learning how to tackle a difficult task is, for a perfectionist, partly a result of force.'
Second, I assumed that on these forums the qualifying statement 'your mileage may vary' was understood, and that I didn't have to stipulate that what worked well for our child might not work for others.
<It does seem to me again though that you are giving yourself quite a lot of responsibility and credit for his learning.>
I find it strange that this seems to bother you. All I was doing is talking about what has worked for us; as my son's primary caregiver, I had the job of creating his learning environment. How he acted within that environment used to be more my 'responsibility' than his, but as he has matured, he has taken it on himself -- and is doing so confidently and happily.
<As a parent I want to know as my child goes through life he believes he can learn and he can tackle new situations.>
On that we agree. We just have different ways of reaching that goal.
<his mom is the kind of person who so prioritizing him acquiring new skills that she's willing to threaten him.>
I'm afraid you don't understand what my priority was, which is kind of surprising since it's been the main topic of this exchange. I didn't care about the skill itself, just as I didn't care about the two measures in the piano piece my son was having trouble playing yesterday. The issue was the much larger, far more important problem of crippling perfectionism.
The way we dealt with it seems to have worked well for us, given the thoughtful, self-aware comments my son has been making lately about his own development and the way he now reacts to most challenges.
And on a lighter note -- are there really parents out there who never 'threaten' their kids?? I mean, come on -- you can dress it up and call it 'offering multiple consequences' if you want, but 'You have a choice: you can put away your toys now or you don't get x' is a threat.
Parents (stereotypical 'Western parents, perhaps, to return to the WSJ article) who aren't comfortable with the idea that they have more power than their children don't like thinking of it that way, but that's what it is.
