Is there really nothing he enjoys at all? What does he do when his time is his own? From my perspective if a kid genuinely doesn't enjoy anything the best way to deal with that is not forcing them to do an activity while they cry and telling them the only way they are allowed to quit is if for an entire month they stop being honest about the fact that they hate it. It seems that could actually have a chilling effect making a child nervous to try new things knowing their cries won' t be listened to and the only escape is to be dishonest about how they feel.
*snip* Even for the most gifted of kids ANY activity they sent their mind to is going to involve some need to work and find ways to persist through challenges. It isn't just learning the violin. Ordinary childhood play offers plenty of opportunities. I'm talking about stuff like: learning to knit, skateboard jumps, building the biggest lego tower you can, jumprope, building a fort, trying to dam a creek, baking, putting on a play with your friends,...
*snip*
So, in other words learning more gymnastics skills isn't improving his attitude or his willingness to persist. Just like when he began the class he conceives of himself as a person who can't do things unless forced. He still sees people who teach him as mean (and really not surprising - if somebody ignored me when I was crying I wouldn't trust them or think they were kind either!) So, what exactly is being accomplished? Is the plan forever to force him to do one thing after another until what?
From my perspective force and raising the stakes only make perfectionism worse. Gentle support, promoting accurate self understanding, etc. all work better.
If left entirely to his own devices, he will watch TV all day long or play computer games. He has a million legos, tons of books, a bike, a puppy and the opportunity to do any extracurricular activity he wants. But he doesn't want... Last summer he had 5 weeks to just mess around, no structure, no plans nothing. All he wanted to do was watch TV and play on the computer. Okay by me, but not for all the time, all the days.
His classroom teacher never makes him finish an assignment. If it's "hard" she says he can do half, or do what he wants or whatever. He reads two to three books a week at school because the other work is "hard". Charm and sad eyes shouldn't get you out of work but his teacher feels sorry for him. He snickers and goes back to reading. We're working hard to get him accomodated at school but the lessons he's learning there are not productive.
You asked "So, what exactly is being accomplished? Is the plan forever to force him to do one thing after another until what?"
The plan is that sometimes, you have to learn to do something that isn't easy. I couldn't care less if he's a gymnast- it was his request. But I do care that when you try something new, you actually commit to TRY it. The very moment you do one cartwheel and it doesn't work out, you can't quit.
If my DS genuinely said "Mom, I do not want to do gymnastics anymore. I would like to try ___ instead" I would stop instantly. What I won't entertain is "I'm no good, it's too hard, I want to quit, you're mean." And really, can I force him to perform? Nope. I just drive him there and come back an hour later... once a week. He loves his coach and made him a Christmas present, thanks him every time he teaches him something new and is happy when it's done.
Frankly, as a middle school administrator, I see WAY too many kids who have never ever been asked to work through something, try something hard or work it out with a friend. Their parents rescue them constantly from any sort of trouble whether it's academic or social. If they get a bad grade, it's the test or the teacher. If a friend is mean and they argue, she's a bully and the school should provide discipline.
Everything I've read, and it's a lot, on perfectionism says that the goal is to get a realistic self-image. I'm working hard to get him to understand that a realistic self-image includes that everyone is not good at everything, but you can find joy in the struggle and learning something new. Not being good at something the first time doesn't make you stupid, an idiot, or any of the other hateful words he often spews at himself when he fails the first time.
