PTP- I find your take on all of this very interesting. Do you not require certain things of your kids? Mine is expected to do certain things- try new foods when presented, use polite manners at the table, be a part of the team and do chores at home, keep his commitments, brush his teeth, change his underwear, give to charity etc.
I believe in limits for health and safety reasons (I'd extend that to clean underwear) and I believe in the importance of respectful behavior (hey let's put clean underwear there too!) including learning manners.
Where we may part company is that I believe the one of the least important areas of parenting is in handing down rules and acting to police them. If it came to the point where that's where I saw the place I would help my child grow I would feel I was failing and needing to regroup and change my approach.
The window in which we have the power to force kids to comply is a very narrow one. Sure a big part of parent of parenting in the early years is ensuring safety through a variety of means including rules. But, ultimately what really matters in the people our children will happen in the choices they make. I believe our best bet in preparing children to make these choices comes from working with them to help them develop self awareness of their own goals and supporting them in recognizing WHY it makes sense to make particular choices.
My hope for kids is that they will become enthusiastic life long learners and capable people. Force can have a huge way of backfiring on both of those goals. When we take responsibility for our kid's learning we are taking something away from them. It is telling the child you do not believe they will learn unless they are forced. Punishment or making people feel bad doesn't make them want to learn.
He wanted to play baseball and begged us to sign him up. He wanted to quit after the first game because he was the only one who didn't get one hit. I told him he needed to finish the season because he made a commitment to the team. Would you have let him quit?
I addressed this idea in an earlier post. I think it is a great idea to make it clear the nature of the commitment and let the child decide in advance. That might be play for the semester or the season to allow for time for the activity to work out. I see this as really different from adding on a requirement midway through the activity or giving unrealistic limits (such as stop saying it is hard for a month and you can quit).
Again, though I think the real parenting doesn't come in setting the limit - that's the least of it. The bigger part is in helping the kid connect to that good coach or teacher who can help. And, in providing support to help them be a success and when that doesn't work in giving the kid have a safe place to fall knowing you are on their side rooting them on (which is difficult to do when you are primarily in the position of policing and enforcing limits). So, I'd focus on making an agreement up front and letting that agreement be the boss rather than being pushed into a position of conflict where any negative feelings he has are your fault.
In the car he said "I just have to practice!" Should I have let him give up after one attempt simply because he was upset and didn't want to try again?
The lesson came not from forcing him to bowl, but from supporting his desire to try bowling and then hearing he was discouraged. And, then in offering him the information and tools he needed to manage the situation. Setting the rule "you must bowl" or "you must bowl until you say it is not hard" wouldn't have gotten him to where he had that wonderful realization.
Electronics are easy to blame, sure. But we have a no TV and no computer during school week rule in our house. So that doesn't really address the problem or provide an easy out to it. We play hours of board games, read aloud, bake, play with the dogs, ride bikes, build Lego etc. That doesn't mean he has a passion for any of those things.
Take it for what it is worth, but it has been my observation for some kids it takes a lot longer detox than five days as week. And, really even if the academics are totally easy school can be exhausting so it maybe unrealistic to expect to see passion on a weeknight. It may take extended periods of time to get to the place where he's setting goals for himself and working through the hard parts to get there. Not easy answer though because I understand realistically with extracurriculars and school it can be hard for a lot of kids to get to that place. If you add electronics that narrows the window even further.
CAMom do you see any generation shift on these matters? I can't imagine my parent's generation extending any energy to feeling like they had to force children to develop the ability to be people capable of feeling competent to learn. It was simply assumed you had responsibilities to the family. It was simply assumed that through your life of playing in the woods and caring for siblings that you would learn to take responsibility. Do you agree there has been some shift? If so what do you attribute that to?
