If left entirely to his own devices, he will watch TV all day long or play computer games. He has a million legos, tons of books, a bike, a puppy and the opportunity to do any extracurricular activity he wants. But he doesn't want... Last summer he had 5 weeks to just mess around, no structure, no plans nothing. All he wanted to do was watch TV and play on the computer. Okay by me, but not for all the time, all the days.
Yeah, that's kind of what I suspected you might say. My opinion is that kids are born wanting to learn. If a child turns themselves away from all activities that involve learning or working it is a sign something very significant is broken and wrong in the child's life. Electronics can be a catch 22. The more they do it, the less capable and confident they become, the fewer the opportunities to develop social and emotional resilience... and the more the draw the electronics as a safe zone where the child will never need to grow. Personally rather than trying to address that problem with lessons once or twice a week I'd get rid of electronics and make space for the child to have the sorts of experiences necessary for development of greater competence.
You asked "So, what exactly is being accomplished? Is the plan forever to force him to do one thing after another until what?"
The plan is that sometimes, you have to learn to do something that isn't easy. I couldn't care less if he's a gymnast- it was his request. But I do care that when you try something new, you actually commit to TRY it. The very moment you do one cartwheel and it doesn't work out, you can't quit.
So, is there then an element of breaking his spirit? Eventually he'll see it is for his own good? It doesn't sound like even as it applies only to this isolated activity it hasn't changed his perspective at all. He still thinks people are mean and that it is hard. From my perspective force is an effective way to show kids that learning is unpleasant and working hard is something to avoid unless forced on you.
With a perfectionist kid I think it is better to set up clear terms of the contract to try an activity ahead of time if possible. So, it might be you are committed to your team for the rest of the season, we paid for lessons for the year, etc. Enough time for the kid to give it a fair try, but not an endless stretch where the child feels like they are being punished for wanting to try something new.
Frankly, as a middle school administrator, I see WAY too many kids who have never ever been asked to work through something, try something hard or work it out with a friend. Their parents rescue them constantly from any sort of trouble whether it's academic or social. If they get a bad grade, it's the test or the teacher. If a friend is mean and they argue, she's a bully and the school should provide discipline.
I agree this is a problem. However, I see as really inches from the parents engaging in attempting to force a child to develop self discipline. Rescuing a child from consequences is not a lot different from creating situations to force consequences. Both of these things are about parents taking away responsibility that rests within the child. I'm sure both come from a desire to help the child but both are misguided and miss the fundamental point that as parents we do not have the power force our children to learn. When we get engaged in an oppositional struggle in an attempt to force the child to develop character traits, we have lost the greatest asset we have as parents which is to be trusted guides.
Everything I've read, and it's a lot, on perfectionism says that the goal is to get a realistic self-image. I'm working hard to get him to understand that a realistic self-image includes that everyone is not good at everything, but you can find joy in the struggle and learning something new.
From the way you are describing him now a realistic self image might be something like "I'm smart but lazy and fearful. Mostly I just watch TV and play video games. I don't do a lot and the few things I accomplish I only do after crying and having them forced on me." While that might be realistic I'm not really thinking that you want him thinking that about himself. So, are you saying the problem is that right now he thinks he's good at everything and this will show him he's not? Or that he thinks he's good at nothing and this will show him that he is?
