Hi Howler,
I hope you manage to find a psychologist/counselor/neuropsych whose word you feel comfortable with and trust. This is a situation that very much sounds like everyone has had too much and has gone to their seperate corners, not easily meeting in the middle. It seems like a hard situation, and there are a lot of conflicting points of view.
I don't know what she truly has going on, but she does sound like she needs support and help. I know I have said this before, but what if it isn't that she doesn't want to, it's that she is avoiding because of a LD or other issue. That causes avoidant behavior as well.
Example: Me. I am MG to PG. Most of my life, I read at the back of the class and caused no problems: did my homework easily, didn't have to study. No one caught that this was avoidance behavior. In MIT, I found myself stuck in a tangle of being a perfectionist, but not being able to force myself to study. I *could* study in the sense that I could learn the material, but everything distracted me, I couldn't focus, and I felt like a complete failure. I graduated by the skin of my teeth.
The reason I brought up ADHD inattentive is that it's the one that I fit, and it put my personal struggles into a different light. It wasn't that I had no will power or no ability to be responsible, but it was that I was dealing with a real personal handicap. I might have this combined with Aspeger's like my son does.
My point with the example is that sometimes a very capable kid who seems like they should be able to do something shows the avoidance behavior for a very real reason that needs to be addressed. Then, avoidance behavior can be seen in a completely new light that lets everyone get a handle on it. And, it eases your own pressure because you have at least an explanation, even if it brings with it a wealth of different hard work.
I think this is worth reconsidering. And I also really think it would be worth the time and money to do a phone consult with Gatto-Walden. (or Roeper as Grinity suggests) I know ideally you need someone local, but since options there are limited, I really think it is worth getting the perspective of someone outside the family who has lots of experience working with pg kids and families.
