I like the idea of a respect rule (almost all forums have them) and tentatively a take-it-outside, don't-derail-threads rule.
Regarding respectfulness, a lot of sites use boilerplate language like "unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortuous, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, libelous, invasive of another's privacy, hateful, or racially, ethnically or otherwise objectionable" etc.
Mothering.com, which I believe is known for being somewhat restrictive, prohibits forum posts which are "disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, [and] personal attack".
Gifted Haven requires one to behave towards others by "respecting their opinions/beliefs, not singling them out without a solid, justifiable reason to do so, or insulting them for no particular reason".
Words like "harmful" may be too vague to be useful. I think "tortuous" must mean "devious" in this context, but it's so vague as to be worthless too. I guess that a certain amount of the boilerplate will likely wind up in the respectfulness rule (ETA: and it's actually already there in the rules that exist for this site). I think that mothering.com's policy has some interesting differences. "Adversarial" seems like possibly a bad choice, as it could lead to claims that any disagreement with another poster are off limits (and in fact some of the history of that site seems to have gone that way). "Baiting" and "casting of suspicion" might be good additions, although I don't know if they're necessary. "Demeaning criticism" is highly vague, but it or something similar might still make a good addition to get the idea across that we should be tolerant and respectful. A rule against "personal attack" is akin to one against singling a person out.
In retrospect in that other thread, if I had it to do over, I would probably start with a PM directly to the other person. It might be a nice explicit rule that if you have a problem with someone else's posts you start by PMing them, unless you choose to bring it to the moderator's attention. We could also consider a rule against singling someone out (a hard rule or one with qualifications like at Gifted Haven). I guess the wording would have to distinguish between what we consider to be bad singling out, and simple disagreement.
