I guess I don't understand the "gas on and on" thing, passthepotatoes. It seems like you've had some really bad experiences.
Actually I'd say the way in which our experience seems really different from what a lot of people posted is that we've received basically no negative feedback for having a very precocious radically accelerated kid. That may be all luck but I suspect some of that is because we have a very different view of talking about comparing child development and of the importance of milestones.
I'd say the conversations I've heard at playgroups are probably quite typical as we were in a few different types of groups over the years and hit a pretty good cross section of middle and upper middle class educated moms. Given the number of posters who are equating not talking about milestones as lying or not talking about children it suggests to me that these are pretty widespread ways of thinking.
Yes? It seems you're assuming an utter lack of sensitivity, when the point is that most people want to come here to talk about their kids *precisely because* they are sensitive to how their kids' accelerated intellectual development will affect others.
I think you may be missing my point. I'm not saying parents of gifted kids gas on more than others. Rather maybe the entire custom of social conversation surrounding kids milestones could use some changing because clearly it makes a lot of people feel odd or bad. Instead of trying to just recreate other circles for bragging maybe we should instead try to think my broadly and think about how we can be more comfortable having kids in our lives as something other than models of accomplishment.
How can we enjoy our kids or think about our lives as parents in ways that are distinct from accomplishments? Maybe thinking about this will ultimately lead to people finding more comfortable ways IRL to have supportive relationships with parents of kids with all different ability levels.
Trust me when I say that practically no one I see at the playground is going to have more than 3 words to say to me about Vikings (the topic of my novel) or the latest Science Channel show (since they watch American Idol and I don't). So what do we discuss? The weather gets old as a topic....
I generally find if I start from a place of genuine interest about others I learn a lot. Instead of starting from trying to figure out if people are prepared to talk at the right level about your pet interests, I would start with genuine curiosity and see where that leads. When you find out what makes other people tick they often want to know what is important to you too.
It's not about "claiming credit" for anything. I really think you're misunderstanding what we mean by bragging. Think "saying nice things about and being proud of the people they are" instead of "gassing on and on." Think "being excited about how they overcome obstacles" or "loving that they don't give up, even when it's hard." Do you have a problem with that kind of pride?
I see love as distinct from pride and would caution against seeing them as interchangeable ideas as many do. The kinds of early milestones mentioned in this thread - stringing two words together, memorizing the alphabet, standing, etc. are things that in typically developing kids tend to come pretty naturally without a lot of struggle or hardship. Under those circumstances I find pride a lot like pride in the fact that the child's toes are growing. Sure feel glad that you manage to go to the grocery store and feed them, but to the extent to which there is an accomplishment there, it doesn't belong to you. There is only a very little line between parental pride and pressure and perfectionism. Some kids really only need the tiniest hint that it is really important to their parents in order to shut down. I don't see how it is possible to be telling the other moms at playgroup how proud you are of junior's precocious reading without junior picking up that hey this is really, really important to my mom.
But if what they work hard at is spelling a challenging word at 3yo or mastering a difficult algebra problem at 8yo, people don't get that it's the hard work, not the spelling or the algebra that is important. They hear "algebra" and stop.
I dispute that either of these is a big accomplishment or is revealing of great personal fortitude - rather they may stand in for as close as a bright kid gets to getting the opportunity for challenge that all kids deserve and many more typically developing kids get every day. That said, I suspect you'll find people are far more willing to accept algebra accomplishments are meaningful if earlier who haven't established yourself as the person who talked about memorizing the alphabet.
[quote=Kriston]Look at the brag thread. See the things that people think are brag-worthy that they can't share IRL. It's almost never "he hit this milestone early." Nearly all are things there are things that are clever or funny or quirky or show real strength of character. Yet these are things we know we cannot share with most other parents.[/quote
And, I'm looking for ways for people to learn to talk about their kids IRL and feel comfortable about it. How can we change the culture of playgroup bragging to instead lead to meaningful comfortable discussions?
