like a complete nutcase and was abusive toward me on the phone...
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Because this situation is so abusive, I would not hesitate to "report up" the food chain until you get to someone who understands that the school is violating your child's rights. Do keep documenting everything, and be ready to show that documentation to the administrator you find (building principal or district-level) who will listen.
What is the principal like? Or does the coordinator have sole control over this program? Who is responsible for implementation of IEP and 504 plans in this school and in your district? (Some schools have a Coordinator of Instruction or similar, usually reporting to the principal, who deals with those plans.)
Some states have an "office of exceptional children" or a "legal rights service" that will provide free legal or educational advocacy in these situations. It does no harm to place a call to these folks and see what they can do to help you.
You may also want to google your state's department of education and find out who the special ed people are on that level. I have had to call in the state to fix horrid school situations. Sometimes this can be done informally (the state folks make a phone call and suddenly things are better); sometimes it's a written complaint process. This is not a step to take lightly, as it may make enemies locally. Therefore it's not how I like to work. But sometimes it does get a problem solved and it's good to know what all the different forms of recourse look like.
I immediately typed out the conversation and called my therapist (yeah--I have one). My therapist confirmed the conversation was completely inappropriate, bullying.
Keep documenting like this. In ink, with dates and times. Print all hostile email and stick it into the binder too. The paper trail helps you demonstrate how badly everyone is behaving when you need to.
Stay so calm in these interactions that everyone can notice that you are the sane one. This can actually be very intimidating to people who are behaving badly-- they expect you to run away.
If you need to, you can ask to record meetings with school personnel. (In many states it is illegal to record people without their permission, so you do have to ask). You can say "I'm finding it hard to take notes; may I use this recorder?" and put it down on the table. Again, can't do it without their consent, but once the recorder is on it can markedly change the atmosphere in the room, as no one is willing to be abusive on the record.
I guess my point is: I don't think the counselor is going to be my son's biggest supporter. Ha! Except it really isn't funny.
Keep that sardonic wit handy. You may need it again.
My son probably wouldn't seek support anyhow, though, except through his friendships. And the band teacher likes him a lot, so there's that.
This may sound crazy, but I think that in parallel with going up the chain of command you should also talk with the band director and enlist his/her support. You might even be so bold as to ask the band director for suggestions about helping other teachers understand DS. He may even be willing to intercede for DS under some circumstances. At the very least he can be an identified safe haven and a person who can be called in to help DS as needed.
I feel for you. Hang in there.
DeeDee
