Dude, I so agree with you. Yet I see that Amy Chua describes her book it as an exaggerated vent... or at least presents it that way now in retrospect. In the end, what we take away from this is... dark humor or abusive truth... would we choose to parent our child that way?
That's what brings me to the funny thing about Amy Chua, is that while I'm reading her Times article, I'm appalled at certain things, and nodding my head at others.
My DD8 is extraordinarily self-critical. She's always quick to make excuses for her successes, and to point to any slight imperfections in her results to show why she's not any good. She avoids certain activities because she's afraid she'll fail. This mindset makes her her own worst enemy, holding her back from realizing her true potential.
So when, in the Lulu anecdote, she dropped this line, I was like, "Oh yeah. I've been there."
When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it.
And like Chua, I was put in a position where an option in front of me was to push my DD through, so she can come out on the other side and say, "I DID IT!", rather than cripple herself with, "I CAN'T!!!"
Unlike Ms. Chua, however, I did not push the issue when the ultimate outcome was not very important. My DD took up guitar at 6. She decided she was no good. I continue to encourage her to pick it up again, and it's available for her at any time, but when it comes down to it, guitar playing is unlikely to be a life skill that is vital for her adult happiness, success, or survival.
In other occasions, I pushed or pulled, as appropriate. She didn't want to learn her multiplication tables, and it was early for most kids, but she was developmentally ready, and failing to learn it was going to halt her math learning in its tracks. That's a vital skill, so we pushed. Once she got over that hump, she got access to new math operations that she found intrinsically rewarding. But she had to get through the irritating part of rote memorization first.
Once when DD was in 1st grade, she was in a play in school, and her fear of failure and avoidance had prevented her from learning her lines. We found out the night before the play. Rather than let her suffer the natural consequences by making a fool of herself on stage, and reinforcing her negative self-image as a result, we hothoused her through memorizing the lines that night... a process that involved a lot of nuclear meltdown before she was finally ready to work.
Coming out the other side, she discovered a new passion, and she's in an after-school drama class, has performed in two plays, and is trying out for the school's Talented Theater program tomorrow. I heard her performing her monologue last night, and I have to say, it sounded fantastic.
So there's a story that proves another of Chua's points... if a parent pushes a child through to a success, the child can enjoy that success, and discover a passion that becomes intrinsically rewarding. Or, as she put it:
Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.
However, where I would strongly disagree with Chua is:
1) Which battles to fight.
2) How to fight them.
