We get by, you know... it's not like it's a constant disaster, just we're generally on the verge of disaster. There _are_ ways of making things work so he's able to let go at important times... I guess that's what I really mean by spoiling: Is it spoiling to give him precise information about things when I know he will not get that in kindergarten, though I know that by giving him that level of detail, he'll feel better and be happier, and NOT melt down? In a day camp for 2-3yr olds, he freaked out because the counselors wouldn't give him the cross-streets for the park they were going to. He was genuinely concerned that I wouldn't be able to pick him up because I wouldn't know where to find him. He was looking for a way to get a message to me. They would only tell him I'd know where to pick him up, but not _how_ I would know, and they wouldn't help him take even the first step in getting a message to me. Is it spoiling him to talk about street names, and locations of things, given that I know he'll end up in situations like that, where adults can't fathom that when he asks "where is the park" he really wants to know the street names? I don't really think so. I think it's really great that he understands his surroundings that well, that he can worry about something like that shows a solid awareness of a whole lot of things I want him to understand and be aware of. I don't want to drill it out of him. But when I've been doing those things, really making sure he has the info he cares about, letting him in on stuff, he DOES start to expect it more, and it IS more of a let-down when others do not do the same. But an adult would certainly expect to get a clear answer to "were are we going?" why SHOULDn't he expect it too? and if we drill it out of him now, what will that mean when he's older and has this deep-seated lesson that he shouldn't ask for clarification? That sounds like a bad situation, there, too.
The same goes for lot of other stuff in the "Best practices" section of the parenting library. For example, really listening to him about what's upsetting him. Most adults he encounters are truly not prepared to hear what he's saying, no matter how hard they try. Today, a certain issue was about castles. He was afraid that he would not be able to behave sufficiently well to allow me to get his little brother to sleep, because I had said that we couldn't go to the area where the hot glue (to build the castle) is until DS2 was asleep. That would be a lil confusing if an adult said it to me. He needed to hear that we would keep trying things until DS2 slept, and that I would try to help him keep from interfering. DS2 was hard to get to sleep (like usual), but DS1 had no trouble keeping from being a problem, as it turned out... ONCE I had told him I'd help if I needed to and that we'd keep trying till it worked. If I hadn't told him that, I suspect the tantrum would have gone on until we had to leave, without making the castle.
Hi Mich
i saw your post after this but I wanted to reply to this because the events you refer to make me think in two different directions. I think you should always answer his questions/concerns to the fullest. I don't think it is unreasonable to provide DS with the location of the park. He is asking more sophisticated questions and wants more nuanced answers because that is how he thinks. that is not going to change with age and maturity. And that is where I think you as the parent of a kid who needs something special - in this case information - are there to provide it. What will change and what is worth working on is that he can't throw a fit if he doesn't get the answers when he wants them. The center of the universe syndrome is pretty expected at his age but if not matured out of can be really a problem.
What is more of an issue to me is that he thinks other people need to do what you do - so while I think what you are doing is necessary for him and not spoiling - I don't think its reasonable for him to have the expectation that everyone else will do that. The problem as I see it is that other adults are unlikely to realize that he needs more complex information until he is able to clarify what he wants for them - which will come. But the anxiety - you won't find him and the frustration in trying to get that out - I think this is where you can help by talking to him not just about what he can do but also what to expect from people.
I think the preschool situation will be problematic unless you can successfully change what he thinks he is doing there and what he can/should expect from it. Tantrums from gifted or non gifted are about frustration - and its not surprising for his frustration level to be higher. So then the issue is helping him manage it.
So on one level I think he needs to learn to manage frustration with everyone. But I also think that you providing the kind of answers and info he needs is not a problem unless that is influencing his ability to function with others.
But what also caught my attention is the anxiety and the solving of anxiety with information - some of that is reasonable, to be worried until you know how things will work - but this can also be a personality thing rather than an age/uncertainty thing. I am not sure you can know that now. But a lot of people have written on the board about that kind of what if worrying that a lot of our kids can do and there might be some advice floating around on it ( i would search and link for you but I am so bad at that, I never find anything i remember reading :)) .
hang in!
DeHe
