Oh, I'm a total control freak, too.
It's just that DD is more than a match for even me. I finally gave up after one too many incidents like frugalmom's "toy hostages" (which we also tried, by the way-- note to self, make sure that any toys thus stored are in SQUIRREL-PROOF containers when placed into storage shed in future, as we lost some of her favorite baby things that way... UGH) and
"sitting on the stairs until you can comply with my instructions" which turned into 8 or 9 HOURS each day on consecutive days.
(No, really not kidding. This was my then-eight-year-old, and yes, she was completely capable of doing what she'd been asked, which in one instance was writing a paragraph. She just CHOSE not to do it, and was going to show me that I couldn't MAKE her do it.)
Some kids really can't be motivated extrinsically by anything less than actual life-or-death situations or basic needs. Obviously those are not disciplinary tools, because withholding them or making them conditional is abusive.
DD isn't a bad kid (lucky for us), but she does require different handling than what I hear works for other parents. She's pretty reasonable if you explain things to her and they are rational, logical, or realistic somehow. So she understands that she has bedtime because she needs adequate sleep, for example. Reward systems tend to backfire badly because she's resentful of anything that smacks of operant conditioning, and also because she is SO keenly attuned to "this isn't fair" or "I don't like that you're judging me here" when we either reward/withhold rewards.
