My grade 5 teacher (my first year in gifted) confiscated my books. MAN, did that get my f#$%ing attention. Until that day, no-one had ever been willing to go to bat against my "but it's good for me" techniques. No-one had _ever_ recognized that they did not need to encourage me to learn/read/study. That was what I _wanted_ to do, and nothing was going to change that about me. My grade 5 teacher saw very quickly that there was no risk of turning me off reading, but that I REALLY needed to be encouraged to go play with somebody once in a while.
He wasn't the best teacher ever, but that particular thing was worth a whole year, all by itself. (He did lots of other good things, too)
And, yeah, undivided attention is kinda currency, but for the most part he just melts down, and is unable to make a choice to get my attention back.
We get by, you know... it's not like it's a constant disaster, just we're generally on the verge of disaster. There _are_ ways of making things work so he's able to let go at important times... I guess that's what I really mean by spoiling: Is it spoiling to give him precise information about things when I know he will not get that in kindergarten, though I know that by giving him that level of detail, he'll feel better and be happier, and NOT melt down? In a day camp for 2-3yr olds, he freaked out because the counselors wouldn't give him the cross-streets for the park they were going to. He was genuinely concerned that I wouldn't be able to pick him up because I wouldn't know where to find him. He was looking for a way to get a message to me. They would only tell him I'd know where to pick him up, but not _how_ I would know, and they wouldn't help him take even the first step in getting a message to me. Is it spoiling him to talk about street names, and locations of things, given that I know he'll end up in situations like that, where adults can't fathom that when he asks "where is the park" he really wants to know the street names? I don't really think so. I think it's really great that he understands his surroundings that well, that he can worry about something like that shows a solid awareness of a whole lot of things I want him to understand and be aware of. I don't want to drill it out of him. But when I've been doing those things, really making sure he has the info he cares about, letting him in on stuff, he DOES start to expect it more, and it IS more of a let-down when others do not do the same. But an adult would certainly expect to get a clear answer to "were are we going?" why SHOULDn't he expect it too? and if we drill it out of him now, what will that mean when he's older and has this deep-seated lesson that he shouldn't ask for clarification? That sounds like a bad situation, there, too.
The same goes for lot of other stuff in the "Best practices" section of the parenting library. For example, really listening to him about what's upsetting him. Most adults he encounters are truly not prepared to hear what he's saying, no matter how hard they try. Today, a certain issue was about castles. He was afraid that he would not be able to behave sufficiently well to allow me to get his little brother to sleep, because I had said that we couldn't go to the area where the hot glue (to build the castle) is until DS2 was asleep. That would be a lil confusing if an adult said it to me. He needed to hear that we would keep trying things until DS2 slept, and that I would try to help him keep from interfering. DS2 was hard to get to sleep (like usual), but DS1 had no trouble keeping from being a problem, as it turned out... ONCE I had told him I'd help if I needed to and that we'd keep trying till it worked. If I hadn't told him that, I suspect the tantrum would have gone on until we had to leave, without making the castle.
All the books agree that it's best to address underlying issues, but what if I know other people won't be able to address his? Should I be getting him used to not being understood? That seems wrong... but... um... easy....
He's slowly getting better at pulling out of the stall when I do just ignore him, but it's slow-going. Meh. Whatever. This too shall pass
Sorry for plummeting the thread into philosophy of discipline instead of theory and practice thereof! I'm predictable, at least...
