My DS now 6.5 cannot be bought - chocolate for going on the potty, he decided the chocolate wasn't worth it and he LOVES chocolate. Just do your homework and you can have X, never worked either. And the flip side was true too - to a point. If you don't do this there are consequences. He also did the well I don't care. And that's where we had to up the ante - but that ante is not always about things - and you have to be careful to not go to far. Kid didn't apologize at the bus stop yesterday and parent said santa wasn't coming, that's pretty extreme in my view. For DS, it depends on how serious the transgression is in terms of what may be lost - he was accustomed to whatever he was doing rather than listening, lost one book, so I took all of them - yes one day I walked out with ALL his horrible science books. With chores we related it to being part of the family and if he doesn't do his part, we might not be able to do our part, so he might have to get school lunch rather than a packed lunch, which is not his preference, because I wouldn't have time. Or if he says he would do it later and then doesn't do it, then its a loss of trust and future privileges. Sometimes he is willing to risk that - and then you have to follow through. If you are going to use consequences, you have to find what they don't want to lose and I am not sure that is always stuff. Sometimes it is, but I have found that the carefully used, well I guess I won't be able to trust you to do it later next time, can be very effective.
I am the lay down the law parent in my house, DH is more likely to ignore little transgressions and then the pushing the pushing and then something bigger happens and DH BLOWS. And DS hates that. So he finds DH much more fun under most circumstances, and sometimes my conversations are peppered with nos and stop thats, but the pay off is that he is more mindful of my requests for action.
Its tough though and there was a period where I felt like I was correcting all the time so I started focusing on the you did a good thing - and also pointing out privately when we see other people's bad behavior, and having a discussion about it.
Not sure if any of this helps!
DeHe
