My feelings are not that strong on either side of this issue (which is unusual for me)because I can imagine so many variations of parent-child relationships and so many definitions of hothousing. Which is also unusual, is that I am going to participate in this discussion in a personal, not theoretical way:
It we take hot-housing to be regular, intensive, child FORCED lessons, I would most likely think that was potentially harmful, but on the other hand, who am I to say how that dynamic will play out for a particular parent-child pair? Kids are not that fragile and we can't walk on eggshells worrying that everything we do is going to send them to the couch.
I met a mom with a possibly gifted child the same age as my DD5 who is from an Eastern European country who sits down with her son and enforces learning every single day. From the outside, it appears harsh, but I don't have enough information to make that judgment that clearly.
At around my DD5's fifth birthday I began making an attempt to "hothouse" math facts since this was the one area that was not at the same level as the other areas. She was no genius in remembering simple math facts even though math concepts came easily as did things like telling time, fractions, etc. Actually, I came to find out that in this so called "weak" area, she was still quite ahead of her peers, but I thought we should work on that one area in case we met with a grade skip in our near future since she was so advanced in all other areas. Truth is, I thought the schools might actually see the ability to do math facts as a telltell sign of giftedness and ignore her creativity, insight, humor, and so on and so forth and use it against her if that area wasn't at the same level as everything else so I didn't want it to get in her way. I guess I don't trust the public school system and know that their idea of intelligence may be very different than mine.
Of course the intention was good, but we had some low moments that actually made me flip flop back and think that there was no point for me to try to teach this child anything that isn't of interest to her, but really, how fascinating are math facts in and of themselves? They are a tool for other things and once we get over that hump, then other doors will open.
In our community MOST moms send their children to preschools, enrichment, classes, do workbooks, have kids do online learning games, have tutors etc. so I was actually LATE to the game partially due to the attitude I encountered on online forums for gifted kids. I felt a little guilty for not doing something when I saw what was around me and simultaneously, didn't want to be that evil hothousing mom. Of course I wanted to reach that golden mean, but that has never been a natural skill of mine.
I did want to teach my DD5 discipline and to allow someone else to lead, things I was never good at until late in life. Sure, marching to the beat of your own drummer has its merits, and I was not a follower as a child, and an outright rebel through my late twenties, but on the other hand, it would have been helpful for me to know how to contain and control myself and to at least play the game when it would be beneficial. My parents also took no interest in my learning / academics (Neglect!)and so I have no personal experience of ever being pushed or even having academic expectations placed on me from a parent.
Back to my hothousing experience. We dabbled with "learning time" which was my attempt to work on her math facts with some high points and some very low points on my part. I lapsed into some Tiger Mom moments mostly when I became frustrated with my DD's silly disctracted antics, not that she didn't know something, but that she wouldn't cooperate. She isn't one to want to please or to follow and once we tried learning time, we began to butt heads, so for the most part, I had to drop any attempt to ENFORCE my WILL. Now we do a little something here and there if she is willing, and that's it.
I think we need to talk about the difference between teaching and hothousing. Some sports coaches push kids beyond their limits, is that always wrong, or do those kids not know how far they can go unless stretched beyond what they thought they could do.
Truth is, in some ways, I'd like to be able to hothouse my children if we define it as teaching them things in an adult directed way. I like learning and teaching and it would be fun to see how far we could go, but my children would never submit to that, I always think of the joke about "herding cats" when I see my girls so they just aren't the type that would make that process enjoyable enough to continue. If we define hothousing as a step beyond adult directed into something much more harsh and intense, I know how bad that would make me feel and how damaging it is to relationships, so I'd like to avoid that at all costs. I tasted its bitter taste a few times and I didn't like myself.
On the other hand, there have been some very fun moments where we are learning and teaching together and my DD5 is excited and interested and discovering. Those moments are the best and I need to remember how right that FEELS compared to the times where I got very frustrated with how darn stubborn my children are and how much they resist having their heads opened up and knowledged dumped in by an authority...ah, they are going to love public school...
