oh, yes, this is a big issue in my life. I think it is part of the reason I focus so much (too much?)on making sure my DD5 and DD3 have many opportunities and much encouragement. I carry enormous regret and even guilt that I didn't live up to my potential. Sure, I did great in college, went to Harvard, have a graduate degree, etc. but I was suppose to be a superstar poet, and can paint, act, and had talent in math and science. That is a lot on one plate, and what did I do? Have two children late in life very close together and now have basically focused all my energy on their needs. I'm a stay at home mom and spend days in the park talking to other moms. I knew some moms years before they know where I went to school or that I have been published. I'm afraid they will start expecting too much of me now that my brain is
mushy. I read my old poems and research papers and they are so ornate and pulsing with passion, and now I make grocery lists. I am taking a class, but find it hard to concentrate, whereas before children, school was so easy for me. My professor does like my writing and ideas, but I know that my thinking is clouded. I love my children deeply, but wonder if I will ever find myself again and become half of what people expected of me when I was young, cocky, full of answers, showy and quick. Now I am much more modest, slower, unsure, and putting my eggs in the baskets of my little girls who are so beautiful, smart, sweet, creative, and talented. I suppose it is a little sad that I don't see those things in myself anymore... As depressing as that all sounds, I still look ahead and hope to get back to my writing and learning, and also, embrace the mother in me who is such a bigger, better person than the person I was before children.
