From this and your other posts, I'm wondering whether you are feeling kind of depressed. If you are, maybe seeing a cognitive-behavior therapist would help you get over past stuff and enjoy what's happening now?
I, too, have wondered this. I was YOU nine years ago! It wasn't until DD was 2 years old that I realized that I had had PPD and how it affected our family. I was plagued by feelings of inadequacy and failure.... and I HAVE a wonderful, fulfilling career. I blamed how I felt on everything from my poor DH to the size of our house. There had to be a reason why I felt at loose ends with the world.
Not to assume that this would be a reason or cause in your situation, but sometimes you need someone from the outside looking it to point out what is oblivious to you. I wish so badly that I could redo my DD's babyhood, I would never want anyone to suffer like I did.
