I guess I realized a long time ago that living up to my potential would make me miserable. I chose happiness instead. I always tried to balance my life, and prevent any one element from consuming too much time and energy. When I was studying engineering, I was also dating, exercising, creating relationships, playing music, reading for enjoyment, etc. I didn't dedicate myself to my studies enough to make straight A's, and I definitely put a precedence on learning the material rather than maintaining a high GPA, so if an assignment didn't seem like it would increase my knowledge, I didn't spend a lot of time on it.
My problem was that I was so broken in college that I basically avoided the actual activities of living. I had no interest in the material, but an extreme interest in winning the GPA race. In fact, my only goal was to "win". Anything I learned or experienced was merely a byproduct of the goal of intellectually smashing my competition, and letting them know they had been bested by someone inherently superior, as I had done in high school. I didn't give any thought to "balancing my life" or even given any thought to life being something other than a game to win. Once I realized that I had failed in my goal (a 3.5 or so my first year), my life was pretty much drained of meaning, so I withdrew into my mausoleum and waited patiently for my life to end and the pain of existence to cease. I kept making halfhearted efforts to function, but my life no longer had a mainspring to drive me.
Now, I have children, family, and a stable job, however these are the results of my profound failure in life, not evidence of any kind of success. I never intended to be imprisoned in a simple family life, but here I am.
When I hear of other's successes, it always feels like someone has punched me in the stomach, because it reminds me that my life ended a long time ago.
It's very hard to engage your family when you feel completely ruined and are devoid of any kind of purpose.
