This is where I think Dabrowski's theory is relevant in situations like the OP describes...
http://positivedisintegration.com/brief.htm"A basic premise of Dabrowski�s theory is that most people commonly experience an initial primary integration characterized by the adoption of prevailing social standards and mores. The average person accepts and lives by these external social mores with little question or conflict. Spurred by developmental potential, exemplary individuals come into conflict when their developing internal values and perceptions clash with the external views and mores they had previously inculcated. These individuals go through periods Dabrowski described as positive disintegration that challenge and eventually disintegrate the primary integration and lead to periods of deep reflection and soul-searching. Positive disintegration culminates in the emergence of an internally generated hierarchy of values, aims and goals. Ultimately a unique personality ideal emerges, representing the kind of person the individual wishes to strive to become. Advanced development is described as a secondary integration characterized by a comfortable adherence to one�s own unique values, goals and ideals.
Dabrowski presents a theory of personality development based on his observation that most people live their lives guided by their biological impulses (generally self-interest) and/or by uncritical adherence to social convention. Dabrowski also described a group of people who display an individualized developmental pathway. These people break away from a rote, unreflective view of life (what Dabrowski described as "negative adjustment") to develop an individualized, critically evaluated value structure ("positive adjustment"). This hierarchy of values comes to act as a benchmark by which all things are seen. Advanced development is possible because these people possess higher than average "developmental potentials." Developmental potential is a constellation of genetic features, expressed through environmental interaction that consists of three major aspects: overexcitability (OE), specific abilities and talents, and a strong drive toward autonomous growth, a feature that Dabrowski called the third factor...
Ultimately, the individual is literally thrust into a void: their social rationales fail to account for their experiences and no alternate explanations are satisfactory. During this phase, existential despair is the predominant emotion. The developmental resolution of this phase begins as emergent individual values of the "new" personality increasingly encounter and conflict with the person's previous socialization. The "status quo" explanations for the "way things are," transmitted through education and by the social order collapse under conscious scrutiny. A series of conflicts commonly results as the individual increasingly questions the causes of their reactions within the world at large. The actions of others and the ethics of the prevailing social order become seen as inadequate, wrong or hypocritical. "Positive maladjustment" prevails. For Dabrowski, these crises represent the potential for personal growth as mental health reflects more than social conformity, it involves a careful, personal examination of the world and of one's values leading to the development of an individual and unique personality. In Dabrowski�s theory, personality only emerges when individual values ("what ought to be") find their voice and replace the "what is" of life. Personality is a "self aware, self chosen, self affirmed, and self determined unity of essential individual psychic qualities" (Dabrowski, 1972, p. 301). Mental health is represented by an individual who has carefully and thoughtfully chosen his or her values and ideals in terms of the kind of person he or she ought to try to be. These individual values become hierarchical -- our highest values are our goals, often existing in conflict with lower values that characterize our earlier function and our prevailing social order.
Dabrowski used to say that you must either fall back, move ahead or end negatively (suicide / psychoses).
The transition from level II to level III is a fundamental shift that requires a phenomenal amount of energy. This period is the critical juncture in development as from here one must either progress or regress. This transition is an awkward and complicated idea, for one thing, Dabrowski saw it as a process that could either occur all at once or that could occur incrementally. First and Second Factors are both targets of the conflict in these crises: "Do I follow my instincts (First Factor), my teachings (Second Factor) or my heart (Third Factor)?" The developmental answer is to listen to your heart, transform your instincts into positive features (e.g. motivation) and to resist rote, social answers. This whole developmental process, occurring in the context of disintegration -- a very chaotic period, sweeps you along and as it does, it changes you and your view of life.
Level III describes the vertical conflicts caused by an involuntary perception of the higher versus lower choices in life (because it is involuntary Dabrowski called it spontaneous multilevel disintegration). Dabrowski called this vertical dimension multilevelness. With multilevelness comes a new and powerful type of conflict. Multilevelness is a gradual realization of the "possibility of the higher" (a phrase Dabrowski used frequently) and of the subsequent contrasts between the higher and the lower aspects of life. These vertical comparisons often illustrate the lower, actual behaviour of a person in contrast to higher, imagined ideals and alternative choices. When a person perceives the higher choice, he or she feels that this is obviously the path one ought to follow. When the person's actual behaviour falls short of the ideal, disharmony and a drive to review and reconstruct one's life often follow.
If the person is to achieve Dabrowski�s higher levels, this shift to multilevelness must occur. If a person does not have the developmental potential to move into a multilevel view, then they would fall back from the crises of level II to reintegrate at level I.
In the shift to multilevelness, the "horizontal" (unilevel), stimulus response model of life is replaced by a vertical and hierarchical experience of life. This vertical view influences a person's developing value structure and all events come to be seen in relation to personal ideals. These personal value ideals become a coherent entity -- the personality ideal: an inner vision of how the person wants to live their life and the kind of person one wants to become. As events in life are seen in relation to this multilevel, vertical view, it becomes impossible to support positions that favour the lower course when higher goals can be identified (or imagined).
In level IV the individual takes control of their development. The involuntary spontaneous development of level III is replaced by a deliberate, conscious and self directed review of life from the multilevel perspective. This level marks the emergence of "the third factor," described by Dabrowski as an autonomous factor "of conscious choice (valuation) by which one affirms or rejects certain qualities in oneself and in one's environment" (Dabrowski, 1972, p. 306). The person consciously reviews their existing belief system and tries to replace their lower, automatic views and reactions with carefully thought out, examined and chosen ideals. These "new" values will increasingly be reflected in the person's behaviour. Behaviour becomes less reactive, less automatic, and more deliberate and volitional as behavioural choices increasingly fall under the influence of the person's higher, chosen ideals.
All of these stages of disintegration represent extreme conflict. Traditional therapeutic approaches have been to palliate conflict in an attempt to quickly return the person to the state of "normal" functioning. Dabrowski advanced a more sophisticated approach based on a comprehensive diagnosis. Dabrowski said that half of the therapy process involved a complete diagnosis of a person's developmental potentials, not simply a review of their symptoms. When severe symptoms are seen in people with significant potential, the approach is to encourage the person to "see the crisis through" and to reframe the psychoneurosis in positive terms - hence Dabrowski's 1972 book title "Psychoneurosis is Not an Illness." In cases where developmental potential is low, Dabrowski advocated a palliative approach to crises and a return to the former stability. In people with strong DP, there is transformative potential for suffering - dis-ease causes us to search for "higher level" solutions. In this context, suffering has a positive role in human psychology. It is through our own suffering that we develop empathy for others and understand our own interdependence on others and our mortality. This causes a review of our basic values and, as mentioned above, ideally leads to the development of autonomous values...
The fifth level also displays an integrated and harmonious character, but one vastly different from that at the first level. At this highest level, one's behaviour is guided by conscious, carefully weighed decisions based upon an individualized and chosen hierarchy of personal values. Behaviour conforms to this inner standard of how life "ought" to be lived and thus, little inner conflict arises in one's life.
The Theory of Positive Disintegration has an extremely broad scope and has implications for many areas. One central application is the way that psychology and psychiatry frame crises and disintegration... Rather than trying to eliminate symptoms, they are reframed to yield insight and understanding into life and the person's unique situation...
Dabrowski�s theory describes a way of looking at life, outlining the experience of life through the energies of overexcitability and multilevelness. The theory describes various consequences of this experience, positive disintegration and personality growth among them. In this sense, Dabrowski is often discovered and understood by those who are in the midst of the developmental process. The concepts of multilevelness and overexcitability are often not easy to appreciate by those who do not experience them first hand. The theory is best understood through being lived and through personal introspection of one's experiences and feelings as one goes through the steps of advanced development.
In summary, Dabrowski presents a theory of personality development describing how a small number of individuals will go through a process involving a series of disintegrations and subsequent reintegrations leading to the development of an autonomous personality. This process, which is more detailed than suggested here, involves a fundamental tearing apart of the existing reality function to allow for construction of a reality function and "new coordinating elements" on a new (higher) level (see Dabrowski, 1972, p. 224). In this way, a person can apply conscious self development to transcend their genotype, overcome rote socialization, and to consciously become the authentic human being they choose to be."
