sanne, you might read some of my first posts on the forum-- we experienced similar dynamics with my DD at this age. Well, at 11 is where I finally hit my breaking point with it, frankly.
I hauled her into two local schools (the middle school wouldn't touch her since she was technically past that point, and the high school intimidated the heck out of her). That was the last real trouble we had with her through high school, truly. She realized that I meant business when I picked up enrollment forms with her in tow.
She knew that if MOM was that serious about shipping her off to be someone else's problem day to day, she had very seriously miscalculated and had better straighten up and fly right.
The underlying problem was that my standards were almost *always* higher than external ones were for her-- I mention this because I was appalled at just how little work was actually required of her, even in AP coursework in high school.
WE made her do what seemed 'right' to us, and eventually we convinced her that our way was, in the end, probably the wiser course of action, since it was far superior as preparation for college and beyond. Word to the wise about that-- schools, especially public schools, may give out A's for work which likely is merely mediocre, and for kids like those here, constitutes an emphatic "phoning it in."
So yes, not doing the work is one thing. But be careful that you aren't trading that for the lesson of easy A's for just showing up. That is a difficult bell to unring as well.
I'd also add that you might explore a behavioral contract with very clear consequences/rewards-- and one of those consequences is "you will attend regular school, and I will not intervene when you experience difficulties due to your own lack of compliance with authority figures." Or maybe you are already past this point of reconsidering a decision to enroll him elsewhere-- but-- maybe he has to EARN back the right to be homeschooled again.
Defiance is a really hard problem when it's tied to other known disability issues. I'm really sorry.
Lastly, I also agree with Val-- you can't sacrifice your own health and life for a child who is basically being a selfish git about this-- a family is an ecosystem, when you get right down to it, and for it to function in sustainable ways, everyone has to meet their particular obligations. This was a line of discussion that has been helpful in dealing with my own ohhh-so-defiant/obstinate child over the years. Not sure if anything here is helpful-- but I definitely get the sense that you are wandering around in the grey space between "I can't" versus "You can't make me."
I realize that this might not be a popular sentiment in a lot of 2e circles, but there does come a point when you have to go with your gut on this, IMO. If you just know that this isn't lack of ability so much as lack of willingness to comply-- end the power struggle. Period. Pick your battles, to be sure-- but when you do, aim to win. Decisively.
That's not to say that such children should be steamrolled or left without any autonomy-- because they have a VERY powerful need for that autonomy, frankly-- just that they have to be both reasonable, cooperative, and unselfish when exercising that autonomy. This, too, is a critical life-lesson. People who are none of those things and insist on their autonomy don't wind up very well off (barring successful sociopaths, I mean). So sit down when you're both calm, lay out some perspective taking-- and listen to HIM, too. Ask questions about the other's perspective, and decide what is rational, what doesn't need rationality (like feelings), and what simply can't BE the way that one of you would like for it to be. Be wise to manipulative tricks, though-- not sure how manipulative your particular child is, but mine is a real doozy in this regard. When she starts with that, I walk away-- I'm not entertaining it.
DD has learned that she is unwise to push me in particular when I tell her "No. NO MORE-- hard boundary, this. It's not open for discussion." I usually have a trump card that she isn't going to like if she persists in behaving like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It's just really hard to follow through because it makes us so sad to deprive her of things we want her to have-- and she knows this, and is happy to press it to her advantage in power struggles with us.
