I'm interested in your opinions and projections in this situation. I will include a lot of background because I think the situation is complicated.
Background:
DS10 has ADHD, combined type, but he's not hyperactive. He's IMPULSIVE! On medication, he was getting into behavior funks due to loops of negative thoughts. The thought patterns negated the effect of the medication. He is off medication now since there's no point in paying $5K/year for no change in behavior. I have been giving him cognitive behavioral therapy materials and books on mindset, etc. When he's in a good mood the effect is about the same as medication, but he's not yet able to get himself out of a negative thinking loop.
The ADHD pushes asychrony to a whole new level. He executive functioning is comparable with a 2nd grader. His writing ability, hindered by ADHD and perfectionism, is middle school level. He absorbs material at high school to college level. He is at the end of what I'm able to teach him, especially in math, and I'm very concerned because he doesn't have the executive functions to be able to handle high school or college classroom on his own.
He is currently homeschooling and I don't think I can continue with homeschool because he refuses to do schoolwork. Yesterday he spent 8 hours and only did one math problem. There was all kinds of screaming about how he hates math and "a boy my age shouldn't be able to do this". After DS2's bedtime, I sat DS10 down at the dining table and ignored him. After a few minutes he is exclaiming "I can do these as fast as I can write down the answer!" He's capable of doing the work, I know that's not the problem. This is how almost every day has gone here for the last 3 years. He is refusing to comply with very minimal expectations.
A major piece of this is that he feels like he's getting away with it. I have a chronic illness which is unpredictable - some days I'm unaffected, other days I'm almost bed-bound. He takes advantage of the situation and pulls out his worst behavior when I'm physically unable to do anything about it.
His #1 issue is learned helplessness with his behavior. He believes he cannot control himself and that he is not responsible to control himself. Behavior interventions, rewards, punishments backfire badly because in those, the adults assume responsibility for his behavior.
Question:
I'm strongly considering putting him in public school without acceleration. I'm feeling that academic match is a privilege and he has blown his opportunity - maybe a year of normal education will enlighten him as to how privileged he has been? I can't do tutors. We're doing that now and it costs as much as college. I can't justify paying $800/semester for a tutor when he's not doing the work and isn't making progress. We've exhausted the option of virtual school. The remaining option is public school. I'm inclined to put him in public school without acceleration to escape the perpetual family conflict of DS10 not doing his schoolwork.
What do you think about the situation? What outcome would you project?
