Well, DD's conversation with the school counselor left her... underwhelmed, and back to feeling the was-it-or-wasn't-it disorientation that she was feeling back in October. In other words, she got the impression (and maybe she is hypersensitive over this) that the counselor was trying to be nonjudgmental but was making her feel foolish for being so upset about it all-- particularly the part where this kid was doing/saying some weirdly icky things re: my DD and another middle school girl. Ohhhhh.. I get it, you were jealous over this other girl... "well, he probably wasn't thinking about her age" when he was staring holes in her clothes. (Well, no, actually-- this "girl" is emotionally/mentally much more a child than my DD is, in most respects, and my DD was SICK over the situation because it was a lot like watching a pedophile stalk a victim...and because this girl was deeply uncomfortable about the attention, too...)
DD's take on the counselor's advice to her was "yeah. some guys are jerks. if you weren't 13, you'd be less sensitive about it," which is EXACTLY what this-- this-- tool was telling her when he was leaving bruises on my DD's arms in the shape of his HANDS, too. His explanation? Apparently, she "shouldn't play like that" then, if she didn't like it. (She did tell him to stop, and as far as I can tell, she was the only one coming home bruised black and blue.) Or "he didn't do that." Or "why are (you) bothering me with your problems," or even "you're lying and trying to make me feel guilty but I won't fall for that," believe it or not. So I really don't think she needs "calming down" over this. She's already underplaying/rewriting things in her own head in a desperate attempt to make sense of the irrational.
Anyway. Kind of miffed at the school counselor, who wants ME out of the picture for this set of consults. Nothing from her yet, and I specifically asked for her insights and recommendations after she spoke with my DD.
Our healthcare practitioner was concerned when I spoke to her about this kid, and his reluctance to leave DD alone. I mean, one DOES have to ask... if this was "DD had a crush on an older boy who wasn't really that into her, he dumped her, he started hitting on a less-attractive friend of hers, and she flipped out with jealousy" then WHY did this guy KEEP COMING AFTER MY KID VERBALLY? And why did he ENCOURAGE my DD toward a relationship with him that she really didn't have much interest in-- only to humiliate her? I have the e-mails, so she wasn't imagining it.
VERY concerned-- particularly about the escalation pattern becoming evident over the past 10 weeks. She is thinking "mandatory reporting" and I'm refusing to name names, basically, because we're still trying to avoid he-said/she-said since this kid is SUCH a liar and has carefully hidden so much of the abuse in chatrooms where he can erase it.
She's a codependent ABUSE victim. She doesn't want to admit that it was as bad as she fears, she's ashamed of having allowed it to go on so long, she's worried/afraid that maybe all that stuff he said was true, and she is still trying to "protect" him and most of all-- to avoid any unpleasantness. She's deeply afraid of him, and of being disbelieved. Any whiff of it and she's going to shut down. Which is exactly what she got from the counselor, who seemed to be trying to 'talk her down' from the a-word. "Oh, sounds pretty mean, huh?"
Well, no-- it's MEAN when someone calls you "ugly."
It's abuse when someone tells you confidentially, "as a friend" that "it's a really good thing that you're so smart, because man... bowowowwww... but it's okay. I'm your friend, and I'm good looking enough for us both-- so just stick with me and I'll defend you because I see past all of that." Abusive even if they ONLY said such a thing to you. But really abusive to say it to you, only to later deny ever having said it at all to both you and everyone else you know.
What I can't figure out is why the school counselor is trying to talk her OUT of referring to this series of interactions as "abusive" since my DD and I are both refusing to name names at this point. It's not like they CAN take action against a person we haven't named, so we really are not obligating them. The counselor was VERY clear that my child should not be "afraid" of this adolescent, and that she believes that any percieved threat from him is mostly blown out of proportion. (This boggles my mind, when one looks at red flags for an abrupt escalation to severe/lethal relational violence in adolescents.)
Please don't quote directly from this post-- I may need to edit/delete details if additional escalation results in a police report.
