DD has a built-in vulnerability that I'm not sure she CAN eliminate without changing who she is-- she wanted a real connection with a true peer. She wanted it so badly that she was willing to ignore red flags, and the abuser was pretty savvy about her weaknesses (having studied her at some length prior to engaging with her). So what is the answer? Insulate herself from authentic human needs? Make herself less kind and accepting of others' faults? Be more judgmental? I'm not sure that she can do any of those things and still be who she is. If she changes who she is in order to abuse-proof herself... then hasn't the abuser won the ultimate prize, in some respects? He's then truly destroyed what was amazing, unique, and admirable about her.
It may really be painful for her to come to terms with that dichotomy. It's proving very hard for her dad, that's for sure.
I'm of the opinion that she has to find a way to establish mindful boundaries for herself, and note when those tripwires are disturbed in a relationship. To do that, I think she's going to need to evaluate what happened here in very painstaking terms-- because the signs were there, all right; but they were very subtle indeed initially.
But isn't this what everyone has to learn - regardless of LOG - where do I begin and others end - where is the part of me that cannot be eroded by being nice or sensitive or caring about others. The issue here - as I see it from the other side of my iPad
is not the need for a peer - but the need, or neediness which is triggered by the LOG. And this is something that she has all too common with her age mates - 13 -16 year old girls do a lot of stupid stuff to feel a connection, usually with a boy. It's not relevant here but all those sexually active girls are rarely doing it for their own pleasure but for the need to be wanted or liked or in. Back to the LOG, can you get her more peer connections through THINK or other opportunities? Made if she had a fuller circle she would not have been so vulnerable.
It's unfortunately the opposite if the other thread where the two kids are 150 miles apart but connected - but LOG does not eliminate finding the pits in the bowl of cherries. If only it did!
Hugs to you both!
DeHe
