I agree that the goal of the parents is important, but how often are you actually going to find a parent who acknowledges that they are doing the afterschooling/Kumon/tutoring/pushing so that their child just looks better to others? And isn't it almost impossible to really know from the outside, absent evidence of some sort of abuse? Does every child agree that s/he needs to be challenged/pushed even a bit so they will learn study habits, develop a work ethic, and develop the persistence which will/may one day be required of them? Can very young children even understand those concepts fully, or would most just feel like more work is unfair?
I say this as one who actually *wishes* I was hothoused a bit in my youth and that I could find it in myself to hothouse my son just the tiniest bit. School is not an appropriate challenge for my son, his math and science instruction in particular is 2-4 years below where he could be. He has no homework because he finishes everything at school, he never studies and still almost always aces tests (how do you even end up with a 110 test average?), and has enough "free time" at school to normally read 2-3 books each week- at school. He reads more at home.
I absolutely *know* that he is not developing a work ethic or learning study habits and persistence. I also absolutely *know* that if you ask my son if he wants more challenging work, his answer these days would be no. He’d rather have that time to focus on soccer and read books of his choosing, rather than someone else directing him. Some of that may be personality, as I am that way as well. But much of that is probably because that is the pattern he has fallen into due to his lack of challenge.
Meanwhile, a friend of his at school is being hothoused a tiny bit, and he is learning, at home, the types of math my son should be doing and he remains much more curious about academics than my son these days. So while my son’s goal has changed from being the next Faraday or Sagan to now wanting to be the next Iniesta, his friend has remained on the primrose path, so to speak.
So have I failed my son by not pushing? I wish I knew, and of course unfortunately won’t know for many years. I only know that in my 20s I began wishing my parents had demanded more of me than the very low expectations of our schools. My son may be completely fine if he never lives up to the potential I know he has, or perhaps he’ll actually learn to push himself when a little older. I do err on the side of caution, since I know he’ll never be 10 again, can’t at 25 dream of playing in a Champions League final. He can, however, hopefully learn study habits at 16 and push himself to do more and be more at 22.
I get what you're saying. I had a teacher in elementary who always kept telling me, "You just need to apply yourself", and I'd think, apply myself to what? Third grade math worksheets? The work was much too easy for me, and I didn't know or care that I was capable of learning, or that I was even supposed to.
But eventually it was just like Pandora's box opened for me, I guess - and it wasn't so much that anyone had told me that I should be doing this or that or learning a particular thing, it was just...I don't know. It's hard to explain but...it was almost like I knew that I could be doing so much more, learning so much more, that I didn't just have to float on the river of apathy and fifth grade worksheets. It was that spark, that excitement for learning that just wasn't there before. Maybe it's
my personality, but I sort of started to challenge myself, you know? That's when I learned the work ethic, the persistence. And I wish, too, that it could've happened earlier.
That push isn't hothousing. It's opening the door for your son. If you take him to math and he doesn't like it, fine, go elsewhere, but making him realize that you know he can do more and that you expect him to learn - not accomplish, not learn what you want him to, but learn those life skills and gain that knowledge - that's what you want. Part of that might require a sort of metacognitive leap, but it's not going to be pushing him too far. It will push him in the right direction.
You know he isn't being challenged, that school isn't a good fit, that he's not developing good habits and persistence. But does he? And does he understand how important that is? It's hard for kids to understand the need for challenge just like it's hard to feel the need for vegetables. But it's still important, and if you're thinking about it like you are there's no way you're going to be pushing him too hard. He just needs a gentle push - guidance, not direction. After that it's his choice what he wants to do.
I hope this all makes sense. I haven't read the whole thread, but...I hope this helps.
