I would have to agree with blackcat, that what may appear to be hothousing from the outside can also in reality be the parents trying to find an appropriate challenge for their child. It's very hard to make any kind of blanket statement as to what is/is not hothousing, much akin to Justice Stewart's "I know it when I see it" decision.
I agree that the goal of the parents is important, but how often are you actually going to find a parent who acknowledges that they are doing the afterschooling/Kumon/tutoring/pushing so that their child just looks better to others? And isn't it almost impossible to really know from the outside, absent evidence of some sort of abuse? Does every child agree that s/he needs to be challenged/pushed even a bit so they will learn study habits, develop a work ethic, and develop the persistence which will/may one day be required of them? Can very young children even understand those concepts fully, or would most just feel like more work is unfair?
I say this as one who actually *wishes* I was hothoused a bit in my youth and that I could find it in myself to hothouse my son just the tiniest bit. School is not an appropriate challenge for my son, his math and science instruction in particular is 2-4 years below where he could be. He has no homework because he finishes everything at school, he never studies and still almost always aces tests (how do you even end up with a 110 test average?), and has enough "free time" at school to normally read 2-3 books each week- at school. He reads more at home.
I absolutely *know* that he is not developing a work ethic or learning study habits and persistence. I also absolutely *know* that if you ask my son if he wants more challenging work, his answer these days would be no. He’d rather have that time to focus on soccer and read books of his choosing, rather than someone else directing him. Some of that may be personality, as I am that way as well. But much of that is probably because that is the pattern he has fallen into due to his lack of challenge.
Meanwhile, a friend of his at school is being hothoused a tiny bit, and he is learning, at home, the types of math my son should be doing and he remains much more curious about academics than my son these days. So while my son’s goal has changed from being the next Faraday or Sagan to now wanting to be the next Iniesta, his friend has remained on the primrose path, so to speak.
So have I failed my son by not pushing? I wish I knew, and of course unfortunately won’t know for many years. I only know that in my 20s I began wishing my parents had demanded more of me than the very low expectations of our schools. My son may be completely fine if he never lives up to the potential I know he has, or perhaps he’ll actually learn to push himself when a little older. I do err on the side of caution, since I know he’ll never be 10 again, can’t at 25 dream of playing in a Champions League final. He can, however, hopefully learn study habits at 16 and push himself to do more and be more at 22.
I find it hard to judge most parents who are, I hope, trying to do what they feel is best for their children. Are they always right? Of course not, but sometimes it's hard to know what is "right" in parenting until years later. Unfortunately, we’re really all just guessing at this point.
