Grinity you are right...
It is more about me than her. I am not ready to leave her with anyone. I can and do leave her with dh (yes, he is her dad too), and that has gotten SO much better in the last month or so. He is a teacher as well, so he was off for a few weeks at Christmas, and he and dd spent so much time together. Sometimes he gets up with her on the weekends and I get to sleep for a couple of extra hours!! She used to cry for me and not let me sleep...lately this hasn't been the case. I haven't tried leaving the house for awhile, while he watches her, but I don't think this would be a huge problem anymore. So this is big for me! It doesn't provide a lot of opportunity during the week because he gets home late and she goes to bed early, but on weekends i should be bale to sneak out once in a while.
But, back to what I started saying...i am not comfortable leaving her. I knwo that is so wrong. She is 2 years (and almost 3 months) old. She isn't a helpless baby anymore, but I am just not comfortable leaving her with a babysitter. I trust my husband with her and my mom, to some extent, with her. Like you said though, it would be MUCH easier to leave her with a friend while she was happily playing. So that is obviously something that I should be working on. I think that finding a mom I trust with a child that dd gets along with is my best bet. I just don't know where I would meet anyone else. I will try to make a friend or two for myself, but I haven't figured out where or how yet...other than a mom from a mom and baby class. So that's what I will start with. If I new a responsible teenager, or an elderly lady I would be open to haveing them over while I was home. They could play with dd while I clean, cook, shower...do something fun. Maybe gradually I would trust them more and more and dd would as well. Then after some time, I could leave the house while they babysat. I just don't know any teenagers or elderly. Our neighborhood is surprisingly snobby and people just keep to themselves. But it is something I am open to, so I will keep my eyes and ears open.
Thank you for pointing out that I must be the leader and that I am the parent. I know this, but it is so easy to fall into the role of follower with dd. This is a reminder I need to give myself daily...I am the leader!
Thank you again. I will reread your posts a few times I am sure. I am sending you a big cyber hug because I really do appreciate you! thanks!
