Oh and the idea of a "helper" is a great one, but would dd let me leave her with someone else...no way. Maybe if I did it gradually? Ya and this is the kid I want to drop off in a room full of other kids and some stranger adults.
((I know that I've typed a lot of words here, but this topic has hit home! This is it for now, I promise))
Here is the last bit of 'waking up' that I want you to do, dear Onsie:
You must stop thinking these words 'would she LET me' in your mind. I know that it is short hand for - would the trama of leaving her be worth the moments of selfhood? But you must stay in the parent role here. She is a long way off from being in charge of this situation.
So from now on, you must say, even in the privacy of her mind, 'I'm not ready emotionally, for the scene that would be required if I left her with 'someone else.'
So yes, babysteps are required here. I have a 'clangy' kid, and I know that he reads my feelings so clearly - he has a 'PhD' in ME!
So here are some ideas in how to take somebaby steps in the right direction:
First - figure out if you do trust the 'universe' enough to leave her with 'the right person.' Journal, post, talk to someone, until you are 'SURE' that this will be a growing thing for your family. If it is nescessary to your stability, than I am 'SURE' that is a growing thing for your family, but you need to be sure also.
2nd - Cultivate that one or two friends for the both of you. Being left while she is playing with a friend is totally different than being left alone with another grown up.
3rd - Are you married to DD's Dad? Sorry to be so personal, but if this is your set up, then you might have to be 'the leader' in insisting the DH (or whatever) step up to the plate and be alone with her. Sorry if this is already an 'of course' with you, but I know that for someone reading this, they feel that they can't leave a 4 year old with DH for more than 1 hour. I remember starting to go away for weekends when DS was around 5. DH needed quite a bit of 'training' by that point, and DS wasn't happy with the idea, to say the least, and there were emotional scenes. But when I returned, the two of them were 'snug as bugs in rugs.' I still go off for 3 to 4 weekends per year, so that they have focused time together. Would I prefer to have the whole house to myself and kick them out? I would! And for the last few years they take a vacation week together about once a year and I clean, clean, clean and just be in my space. Heaven!
4th - 4th best is an older lady, perhaps an empty nester, who will visit on a regular basis, eventually they can go on excursions or you can leave for short breaks. If you are involved with a religious organization, a leader there might be able to reccomend someone. Someone in the school system may know of a retired teacher. Keep your ears open! Any activity that intersts you is bound to attract someone with a little more time on their hands who you might actually like enough to take on this role.
5th - that 'mother's helper' highschool (or middle school kid) might grow into an actually babysitter over time.
Belive me, getting my hair cut was a big deal back in those days. I remember! You must be the leader, no matter how slow you go! Must, Must, Must!
One nice advantage I had with daycare, was that the teachers there could moonlight as babysitters. 'Good Chemistry' has it's ups and downs!
Love and More Love,
Grinity
