I responded in red to some of the points.
[quote=renie1]
I read 'explosive child' and I think it's great for
a) kids who really have communication disabilities
b) adults who really can't control themselves around their children, who need to be told that scarcasm and revenge-seeking and all the other adult kinds of tantrums aimed at kids might make them feel better short term, but won't help long term.
This is interesting, but I think there is more to the story here. The sad truth is that even with the best of intentions there are circumstances where even the fully attached, caring parent knows better but is so overwhelmed that knee jerk reactions can and do happen. Even highly intelligent parents, who may very well have intensity issues all of their own, say and do things they don't intend to that make things difficult. Some simply do not have an idea of "age appropriate" expectations are. Especially when your academically advanced 5 year old emotionally acts like a 2 year old. And even when you do have an understanding of it, it doesn't make the experience of a child's issues any easier to bear if there are 10 meltdowns in a given day over the course of 3-4 days over seemingly inconsequential things , like opening up the granola bar package the wrong way.
Trying to be a compassionate adult with one extremely intense child when you have other children (older and younger) complicates matters. I can say this from experience. It's not a matter that some parents "need to be told" in the first place, but that they need reminders and encouragement to keep going when they don't have an ounce of strength left. Especially if you have a spouse who doesn't try hard enough to be on the same page, or if you have no support people in your life to give you a break from dealing with your child or simply give you a shoulder to cry on.
For so many years I went with 'understanding and loving and waiting for him to mature' that it is very thrilling to have a gameplan. It is just now starting to feel natural to me, but it is a long way from automatic!
To me, a "technique" that takes a long time to feel comfortable using seems to me that it goes against your own intuition. I don't know. I think there's a lot to be said for emotion coaching both parent and child. I wonder if the library carries that book, because I'd be interested in knowing how it differs from what I have done (close contact with my child, emotion coaching using picture stories, spending time with just her and talking about emotions and giving her plenty of sensory play and physical activity at the park and ballet and yoga for kids to help her have calming outlets. I wonder what else I "should have done".
PM me if you have any more questions!
Grinity
