Originally Posted by Austin
Balancing childrens' and one's own needs is a topic in itself.


That's for sure!

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Ironically, from a Feminist perspective, my DM's ( and MGM) bad judgements had nothing to do with being independent or being smart or being a woman or her ideals, but with who she was. In the end she dealt with problems at home by avoiding them and focusing on other things where she had more control and could measure the results. It was not a choice at all. I sometimes think their success in some areas was related to avoiding it in others.

We'll never know! Perhaps in an ideal world, a person like your mom would have found a nurturing spouse who could have supported her to be out in the world without saddling her with the responsibility of being 'in charge' of meeting the need of your and DS, and in doing so, allowed her to have great success outside the home and share a bit more of herself with you. Maybe she was responding in part to her own experience as a child who liked freedom and respect better than control. Remember that for some gifted people, if they can't do it perfectly, then they find life very very stressful, compared to ND folks who have more slack for the normal highs and lows of life.

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Men are mostly exempt from the innate emotional sensitivity to there being a conflict. I know that it does not bother me that I have a career and a son. I just give him 100% attention when I am home. My DW, OTOH, feels guilty that she is not there all the time. (Maybe I am just avoiding worrying about it!!)

Not sure if this is helpful to say, but you know, when I spend 30 minutes mowing the lawn, I feel like a hero - totally enjoying the outside, and I do that about once a summer when the mood hits. My DH, OTOH, goes out weekly with grim determination. I tell him all the time that he should just let the grass go this week if he doesn't feel like it, because it's not really that long. (I don't really tell him all the time, but he just has to look at my face to know that that's what I'm thinking.) I don't know how we fell into the 'he's in charge of the outside of the house, and I'm in charge of the inside of the house' bit, but we have. My hunch is that women only feel guilty when they actually think that something isn't ideal. So my advice isn't to encourage her to feel less guilty, but to just check, and ask her, in an ideal world, what does she think would be best for your son? In otherwords, if your wife has a greater sensitivity to things emotional, use her as a 'canary in a coal mine,' yes? I read in a book somewhere that whenever a couple had a difference in perceptions they should start the conversation with "Yippee - we have a difference" because it allows them to be greater than the sum of the parts.

BTW - My son was in daycare part time from 7 weeks of age. I didn't feel guilty, but I did feel mornful of missing those hours of his life. I could almost feel the chemicals in my body missing him. 11 years later we are close when we are together, but I feel quite comfortable giving him lots of independence. What I didn't know then, and I do now, is that HG kids can feel quite uncomfortable with agemates even at as young as a year old. I hope that wherever you son is during the day, he is in a multiage group with lots of older kids to interact with.

Love and More Love,
Grinity









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