My son has several of the characteristics of Aspergers, and his behavioral quirks, literalism, and choice of words have been a problem for him at school. Here is what is helping this year:
1. Preparing the teachers at the beginning of the year with a "welcome to my kid letter" that describes some of his strengths and challenges that will likely come into play in the classroom along with what interventions work best and what doesn't work
2. Professional help - seeking the help of a psychiatrist or psychologist with experience in autism and Giftedness; if the professional is used to 2E, even better. Learning the why of things he does has been such a help to me and has helped me learn how to teach him appropriate behavior and techniques for coping in situations that stress him
3. Getting it into his IEP. If you have an IEP, having his behaviors defined as part of it can be a huge help. It allows the school to require teachers to accommodate your child to a certain extent while also dealing in a more appropriate way when his behavior is a problem.
4. Educating your child. It has been a huge help this year to talk about how my son views the world and social situations and how others perceive his behaviors. "You thought you were just providing clear details, but what they heard was you insulting them," etc. It has been eye-opeing for him and has changed the choices he has made in some situations in order to prevent a repeat of what didn't work. Even if he doesn't understand why someone else would consider what he said inappropriate, he is able to act in the information that they do think that.
5. Acceptance. I have come to a place of accepting that my job is not to fix my son but to help him gain tools to navigate as best he can through life to live a full, rich, rewarding life. There is nothing "wrong" with him, and his particular set of gifts and personality traits will mean he will have some advantages in life and some challenges, it is my job to help him learn skills and methods of coping with those challenges. And it is also my job while he is still a minor as home to advocate for him when others interpret his behaviors as something they're not.
In your particular situation, I would ask for a visit with the teacher. I would acknowledge his frustrations in dealing with your child and let him know that you know it isn't always easy to have him in a classroom. I would let the teacher know that you're willing to work with the teacher on a plan to help your son learn to modify behaviors that are disruptive and find acceptable accommodations when needed, such as taking his tests in the office if he cannot control noises when he is stressed. And then I would tell the teacher that calling your son names in front of the rest of the class will not help and that it isn't something you're willing to support or tolerate because of the damage it does through humiliation and fostering an environment of approved disrespect from his peers. It isn't ok for a teacher to resort to name-calling.
