I would like to add that on this board we have a spectrum of ideas about what should be allowed to be discussed here. At one end I would probably place Grinity (as an example, not suggesting that she is alone). I believe that she has a goal of avoiding offense to anyone, and sometimes even avoiding disagreements in discussions, in order to make this as welcoming a place as possible.
Lucounu
these are 2 very different issues. I think you are guilty of creating a false dichotomy.
1) what should be allowed to be discussed:
(basically IQ test items and where to buy them - I can't remember the last time a saw a thread
that someone started to discuss any other topics that I though shouldn't be allowed.)
2) what to do when the desire of some for free speech allows speech that is offensive or attacking or perceived as attacking of others.
It's not that my goal is avoiding offense to anyone, it's that my goal is honoring the actual parents who post here. There is very little support of the important work of parenting in general, and even less for parents of gifted kids. So I don't see the need for anyone to attack anyone else here. If I perceive that someone is being attacked, I will speak up and object - one way or the other.
I'm not a moderator. No one has to agree with me. I sent a PM to someone once and let her know that I didn't think she was trying to offend, but that I thought it likely that her words were being perceived as an attack. The poster told me that she disagreed and that was that. Nothing terrible happened to the poster as far as I can tell.
Do I think it's possible to disagree in a way that won't be perceived as an attack? I absolutely do, and I do it fairly often. I don't want to deprive anyone of the support of a variety of opinions and perspectives. I just do it kindly and gently. Even when I don't, people generally get the feeling that I am trying to help and that being helpful is my only motivation. I'm clearly not trying to score points or make my ego feel better. And that's my perception of the difference between me and the 'free speechers.' Do I want everyone else here to do find ways to disagree that are kind and not attack-y? Yes I do. I'm allowed to want that, and to try and see if I can help that happen. There is absolutely no connection between meanness and honesty. Politeness and Independent thought are not contradictory. And having the humility to accept that none of us will ever know the whole story of any poster's life leaves a lot of room for kindness.
Lucounu, I consider you to be a valuable member of this group. I don't think that you would actually disagree with anything I've said just now. You are showing a lot of promise in developing your own funny style of respectful disagreement - I'm proud of you.
I know that I lost a lot of years of practicing my social skills, first by being shunned 4th -6th grade, and then by not often having a safe enough place to share my thoughts without tremendous self-censoring. I've used posting here as a way to get to know 'what I really do think' after all these years. I'll bet I'm not the only person who has had a similar life experience, so yes, I do tend to feel protective toward folks. Sometime overprotective, but I'm trying to really stick to being of service to other gifted parents.
It's not that any of use will never make mistakes, or that something terrible will happen if one of the mods or the members asks someone else to slow down and take a second look. It's that I want us moving in the direction being here to serve.
And afterall, most of us are going to have to negotiate with school folks or community members to get our kid's needs met, doesn't it make sense to practice a strong and respectful way of stating our thoughts? We know as little about the perspectives and past experiences of our school folks as we do about each other, so doesn't it make sense to practice getting our point across without attacking or being offensive?
At the SENG training, they talked about how difficult it is for many school folks to deal with parents of gifted kids. The term was 'unguided missiles.' As a group we talk fast, use vocabulary words that are hard to understand, and care so deeply that we come across as 'Intense' and 'Difficult to please.' We expect folks to respond to logic and research results, and that isn't how most people live. We may be angry with how we were treated, or how our children have been mistreated - and we have every right to that anger. So if we are going to advocate for our children, we need to learn how to interact in a way that is respectful AND communicates disagreement.
And what about out kids? I was 'disciplined' by very sharp tongued, sarcastic, gifted parents. And our spouses? As peace-loving as I may seem to some of you, DH finds me 'too hot to handle' many times. I have that loud and fast and voluminous speech that comes across hard on my DH, particularly when my eyes start flashing.
We are going to have to disagree with our kids and spouses at times, and wouldn't we rather do it in a way that looks loving and like we remember who they are at the same time? I guess a few of you probably feel that it's your duty to 'toughen your child up so that they are ready for the real world' and I'm actually working on that over the last year or so, but am I right that mostly we would prefer to disagree without full out decimation when it's our loved ones?
If I haven't complained directly to whoever is reading this, then you can be sure I don't mean you. Believe me, I'm taking every opportunity to develop my own ability to respectfully disagree. So if I haven't PMed you about it, it's not bothering me, ok? Deal?
Love and More Love,
Grinity
