my parents ... they were always busy, working to pay the bills ...so they pretty much did a great job staying out of my "life". But there are things that stand out in my mind ... like when they'd always praise my cousin (same age) for her beautiful handwriting (compared to my terrible cat scribble) ... growing up in Czechoslovakia we had to use cursive till middle school and even in middle school only cursive was allowed for any tests, essays and any written assignments. ... they STILL comment about my handwriting, btw! ... while other people comment about how legible it actually is! lol ... then, in 3rd grade I remember getting PAID for my first C! (till then I had straight As) ... while I was crying and completely miserable, they paid me praising me for being "normal". I was the center of my family's jokes about clumsiness ... when you hear nothing but how clumsy and bad you are in sports, not only does it make you feel even worse, but you never get to enjoy any of the sports and they become intolerable! It wasn't until high school when I realized I'm NOT THAT BAD at sports! When I can choose what sport to do (like soccer) I have fun and CAN DO IT! ... oh, the times when my parents and my sister would make jokes of me having all the lights on when I was home alone, or that I would have to hold onto the railing going up and down the stairs (still do! :)) ... or not being able to do even the simplest gymnastics and being scared of heights (it's really hard even now for me to stand up on a chair to reach something ... I need to hold on at least with one hand) ... and I could go on and on and on ... I don't blame my family ... I just wish someone would had told them what Sensory Processing Disorder was
... that I wasn't just making stuff up to get out of whatever they wanted me to do. I learned to cope with all these things myself.
I found ways to work around all my fears and anxieties, and I'm really glad I was able to do that because now I can use my experience to help my kids and understand them better. DS4 is so much like me, it's unbelievable! But on top of that, he has autistic traits as so his life is harder in many ways than mine was. There are times when I forget about what he's going through ... which is where the "what would you do differently" comes in place ... I need to listen to him more when he's trying to tell me things. I need to keep reminding myself more often that he really IS just like me and apparently people had patience with me so now I need to have patience with him
. I UNDERSTAND him and need to use it to his advantage. I truly am his biggest advocate and need to remember it at all times!
another thing I need to do differently ... I need to stop expecting DS2.7 do things the same way DS4 did. They are VERY different! We haven't done any testing yet (no need for it, really) but my gut is telling me that my older one will be my science/math/tech geeky kinda child, always asking questions, always wanting to know everything while the younger one will be my genius in hiding and we'll need to keep doing the right things for him to want to show us what he's capable of. He's the child that unless fully challenged in the right ways, he will shut down and not come out of his shell again until we make it worth it!
I always write about my two young ones but I also have a stepson who's 19 and has lived with us since he was 12. He's where I have the biggest regrets
. He might not be "gifted" but definitely is a very bright kid. My husband told me in preschool he was one of the sharpest kids, did great in 1st and 2nd grade (which is when I first met him) ... was an awesome speller, accelerated reader, used to be in pull outs in some of his classes. Then came behavior problems, not doing his homework, things got to a point where his mom asked him if he wanted to keep living with her and her new husband or if he wanted to move in with me and his dad. He chose us (11 years old back then). Moved in, started 6th grade and there, I had a child who couldn't do any homework by himself (I remember spending hours every day getting through everything with him), 6th grader who had trouble figuring out what 2 + 2 was! He could understand deeper mathematical concepts, yet couldn't do basic calculations. He was still a great speller but had huge problems putting together any sort of writing. I made sure he had all his homework, he'd lose it between the house and school (or have it in his backpack but just couldn't find it in there). I tried and tried and TRIED to get the teachers to keep me informed of anything he missed, they promised they would, kept their promises a week or two and we were back where we started. YET he was doing great on standardized testing! ... but why wasn't it a red flag for anyone at school that he'd score in the 90+% in all math but 30% in the basic math skills? How could he score in the 90+% in some parts of the language arts parts of the standardized tests while getting very low scores on writing and comprehension???
Fast forward to freshman year in high school ... after he almost failed math in 8th grade, he was placed in HONORS Algebra class because of his MAP test results! Nobody cared what he wanted or what was write for him, this is what their test results suggested. I seemed to had been the only one realizing something was wrong! I kept telling the adviser that he needs BASIC math reinforcement to move further! so after failing the first quarter in Honors Algebra, they moved him to regular Algebra (I was still mad because we requested pre-Algebra or Algebra 1A to help him get through it) ... and so he failed Algebra 1 in Freshman year anyways and had to do a repeat in Sophomore year (passed with a D!). He also failed English I because he wouldn't hand in written assignments. Also failed first semester of Global studies so basically started his Sophomore year in a Freshman status. (at that point I was already researching homeschooling in Illinois as I saw no light at the end of that public high school tunnel!)
You'd think the school would had learned from that 1st year ... but NO! Once again, scoring high on standardized tests landed him in Chemistry, Geometry, Physics on top of the Algebra, English 1 and Global studies he had to take again and then English 2. Same problems, failing grades, lack of concentration, not handing work in ... at the end of Sophomore year I finally stood my ground and had them change his Junior year schedule 3 times till I liked it ... he had some mandatory classes but then he had Business Math (while his adviser said this is a step back that is not challenging enough for him ... DSS19 said it was his BEST math class ever and that all kids should take that class!), he took Cooking and Electronics ... ACED all of those classes we handpicked for him. Not because they were easy (trust me, he can fail an easy class in no time) but because he was INTERESTED in them and they were NOT writing / concentration intensive!
In Freshman year I started asking about the possibility of him having ADD and some other LDs and not a single person would listen to me. All they could come up with is he's LAZY! I was desperate, I knew it wasn't laziness but I never found a way to get them to listen to me. I had no idea about how it works with private testing, no idea we could REQUEST the school to test him, all these are my big regrets
... looking back, we were basically fighting the exact OPPOSITE of what most parents here fight. The school automatically assumed that high scores mean "need challenge" instead of looking at his scores more in detail and realizing they meant "needs HELP!". So, now we have a 19 year old high school graduate (I'm so thankful he pulled through!!!), with a GPA of 2.7, no interest in life or anything around him (other than video games) and to clue what he wants to do with his life. He goes between two attitudes ... 1. you are all stupid and I'm the smartest person on Earth so leave me alone and 2. I can't do it anyways, so why would I even try??? And here we are, my husband and I wondering where did we go wrong? We tried so hard to help him, just not hard enough
sorry I made it into a novel ... but maybe reading this (about my stepson) will help some of you. If you see signs of a smart kid really slipping deeper and deeper, don't let anyone tell you the kid is just lazy ... don't let anyone blow you off with excuses. Go with your gut!
