But if she is popular, doing well in school it does suggest she is able to control herself when not at home. And you would absolutely know if the school found her outside the norm. Might be worth it to ask her if other kids get in trouble a lot. She might be able to give you that perspective about whether they go easy on other behavior issues.
So then the issue is she letting go of the control it takes to achieve the school and social success or is there something going on between the two of you - a dysfunction of some sort, stuck in a rut of reaction type thing which is separate from a diagnosable LD.
Yes, you're certainly spot on with the last bit. What we find is that she shows this side of herself with adults she is very comfortable with--a dear friend we've known forever, and relatives after she's been with them for a while. So...I think she does it when she feels safe. It's also the case that sib issues are a HUGE part of our problems at home. She's very jealous of her little brother, who has a pleaser personality and is quite the opposite of DD in many ways. It's bad enough that I will not send them on joint playdates together for fear of what might happen. (She is never physical, but will scream and be verbally out of control.) There's never an issue if she goes solo.
This teacher does discipline other kids (their cards go to yellow or red or whatever it is) so I don't think it's the case that school is going easy on them generally.
