Hi Petunia,
With that combination of traits (ODD, ADHD, pragmatic language disorder)-- did anyone look at autism spectrum disorders? Because those add up to a fairly close approximation of how some kids present with autism. If it hasn't been considered, I wonder if it would be a simpler explanation.
I would also ask with MGL whether there is so much structure at school that it helps him be more successful there. Some kids do also "save it" and fall apart at home because it feels safer to do that there.
I understand your DH's reticence to medicate your DS. Nobody likes medicating their kid, and it is hard to get to the right med and dosage. For my DS, ADHD meds really turned things around for him, reducing his anxiety (because he could trust himself to be less impulsive, and he got into less trouble) and allowing him to be more successful.
DeeDee
