2giftgirls, this is going to sound harsher than I mean it. I understand "different," and I understand the need for everybody to be accepted as they are. (I posted on that within the past few days, actually.)
However, in my view it's a two-way street. If we want acceptance, we also have to try to play by the social rules. My DS might never make it all the way to "fitting in"-- but he tries really hard, and he is included and accepted, and has a few real friends. One reason he has those friends is that he's worked to learn the things he needs to interact with them and be a friend.
By late elementary, friendships are increasingly based not on proximity or parental connections, but on commonly held interests. Having no common interests vastly reduces the opportunities for friendship. This doesn't mean DS has given up any of his unusual academic hobbies; it only means that he's also learned about topics and games that interest his friends, and it's turned out that some of these interest him too-- a real win for him.
Some of it is also participation and ability to engage: both skills that our DS has worked hard on, and he's not done yet.
DeeDee-it's not Butter that would be hurting anyone's feelings. It's more like when she isn't doing exactly what the others are, the other adults are coming up to me, asking what HER PROBLEM is..."Who does she think she is?" And it's not like she is breaking rules or anything.
I know (believe me) how judgmental other people can be when one's child appears to act different, and there is no ready explanation to offer them. Our family has been through some bumpy times (understatement), and I am quite sure there are still people in our community who think our whole family is beyond the pale. This is not nice to experience.
It is still likely the case, though, that as your DD gets older, not participating in what the others are doing will increasingly be seen as disrespectful: not only to her peers, but also to whatever adult is organizing the event. Peers are likely to note her disinterest in their activities and label her as odd, or just ignore her because she's shown that she isn't one of them. Again, I'm not trying to be mean, just observing how these things often tend to work. It is socially stigmatizing to not join a group activity if you are part of the group that is doing the activity.
And I disagree that she should wait and find out what the others are interested in before speaking up. You probably don't mean it this way, but I'm hearing that I should try to get her to "fit in" and act more like the other kids? I spent my own young life doing that and it was awful...not to mention, it's obvious to me that they sense she is different.
I'm not saying you should try for a total personality makeover. I'm saying you might try to gently help her find her way into those social relationships that it sounds like she's on the margins of. This could involve acquiring some new skills and interests, none of which is likely to be harmful if it's approached positively.
Social skills are as much a life skill as reading or math; they smooth the way. Part of this skill set is knowing what other people are expecting you to do, and judging when it's best to go along and when it's possible or desirable to do your own thing. Most kids seem to make this judgment effortlessly. Some don't.
It's not like I go around saying she is better or smarter or something like that, but we have struggled and suffered for so long, I guess I feel that if someone really IS my friend, they would hear about her recent happiness and better fit in the new school and be happy for us, not think I am bragging.
I'm happy for you, and relieved that she's suffering less in the new environment. That has to be huge progress for your whole family.
I'm also glad, though, that you are pursuing evaluation, because if a child is reluctant to engage with a group, there's sometimes a developmental reason, and if that is true in your DD's case, it would be better to know than not.
Best wishes, really,
DeeDee
