I don't think I brag, and I hope that my acquaintances don't think so either. There's a great deal of actual bragging about giftedness, covering as far as I can tell the range of actual ability from slightly slow to "ultrabright", and it tends to make people touchy and feed misperceptions of bragging. It might be helpful to identify activities that qualify as intentional bragging, and ones that might be identified as bragging though that's not the intent.
I use the word "intentional" to include subconscious motivations. I know that this can involve some tricky introspection, but if one's motivation on any level, in dropping into the conversation some fun or illustrative detail about precocious little Johnny or Suzie, is to achieve any sort of advantage over the other person, it's intentional. People sometimes don't think about these things consciously when they're doing them, and might not find them easy to admit even to themselves if brought to their attention.
For example, I think that it might qualify as intentional bragging to:
· Engage in one-upmanship, e.g. to respond to some other parent's mention of something their child has done, dropping into the conversation unbidden that one's child did a similar thing earlier/faster/better/more (there could possibly be exemptions, such as a milestones thread or other context where such statements are invited from everyone, but a persistent pattern of one-upmanship might still qualify as bragging)
· State in any mention of one's child that she is highly/exceptionally/profoundly gifted, or scored or was identified as such, when it doesn't add to the conversation, especially in response to another parent's statement about their child's unqualified giftedness (this is highly context-dependent, and for example this website should be pretty much exempt from this rule due to its intended readership)
· Mention one's child's specific score on an intelligence or achievement test, outside of an appropriate context (again, any mention on this website is probably completely immune, except for the aggravating factor of one-upmanship)
· Assert with certainty that one's child is highly/exceptionally/profoundly gifted without knowing for sure, especially if announced in an inappropriate context; aggravating factors might include an exceptionally shaky basis, such as heavy reliance on general statements from friends, family, doctors in the delivery room, etc. (This behavior might qualify more as unintentional bragging or behavior seen as such, and like the rest is context-dependent, but is just about guaranteed to be taken as bragging due to perception that the parent is the type to be pushy about a child's abilities.)
· Use cliquish language, e.g. "these kids" ("Anyone with one of these kids knows...", "These kids face challenges normal kids just never face" {said while shaking one's head}, etc.)
I guess what we're finding out further from that nasty blog post, and which many or all of us knew already, is that just about any mention of our children's attributes or abilities can be taken as bragging. I still think it might be helpful to identify the sorts of things that might be seen as bragging, so that we can clearly consider whether to avoid them.
One behavior that I've seen personally as a possibility for unintentionally coming off as a braggart:
· Mentioning a child's abilities or issues in a way that might be seen as insincerely bashful or falsely modest, even if the mention occurs in a proper context; that is, it might be best to be direct and matter-of-fact, especially since there are some people you just can't please on this subject
It might be useful to classify coping mechanisms we use in discussions with others, either in choosing the context for discussions or in the way we discuss giftedness, with mention of whether we feel that these behaviors are helpful or unhelpful. We began this in a freeform way in the other thread. Some examples:
· Avoiding reasonable perceptions of bragging, such as by restricting statements about the giftedness of one's child to the proper context (and other corollaries from points on bragging above)
· Downplaying the abilities of one's child, in order to put the other at ease. This is probably unhelpful, at least if one goal is to be able to discuss one's child openly at some point in the relationship with the other, and may be damaging to a child if who overhears or learns of such downplaying statements.
· Accompanying statements about the high ability of one's child with honest statements about challenges facing one's child that are also part of the proper context (if entirely out of context, these could be seen as false modesty or bashfulness). If chosen well, such words can help the other to see the reality of one's situation at the same time as they may quiet suspicions of an intent to brag.
· Telegraphing a lack of intent to brag, such as by statements that one values most highly a child's kindness, courage, assiduousness, or other good attributes besides intelligence. This could backfire if seen as insincere.
It might also be helpful to identify clues that the time isn't right for discussions about one's special Johnny or Suzie. Some possibilities that occur to me off the cuff:
· General anti-bragging responsive or pre-emptive measures, such as mention of some other child who's more gifted than one's child, did things earlier/faster/better/more, etc. These statements should be carefully considered to determine whether the person is open and trying to find common ground for discussion, or whether one has overstepped the bounds of courtesy in that person's view. They should never be met with any attempt at escalation, as they are probably in the nature of self-defense (when one shouldn't want to hurt the other) or bragging (where escalation is bound to result in hurt feelings for someone).
· Defensive statements about the other's child, such as that she hasn't been given the same opportunities as Suzie, had a bad testing day, etc., which might indicate that one has made the other feel bad about her child.
· The use, even outside of a discussion about one's child, of some stereotype aimed at minimizing giftedness, such as that all gifted people lack common sense. This could be a hint that the other knows of one's child already and is trying to head off a discussion of giftedness at the pass, or is predisposed to hostility on the subject, or simply is extremely touchy about it. I don't generally treat such things as invitations to an education on the true nature of giftedness, perhaps with the exception of a statement by a friend.
· Attempts to change the subject, even if polite and made in the absence of other clues.
