Like I said, it's hard to set those limits - it's hard to keep those limits - and it's hard to communicate those limits. �
It's like raising (your child's name) in a lot of ways... if you're hoping for healing in your relationship with your parents, it will take a lot of patience and a lot of gentle correction of her misunderstandings.
Also, you need to stay intentional about your own internal work. �You need to keep searching your heart and your mind to disconnect all the triggers that you and she have set up over the years. �One of the things I had to work through with my parents was the realization that the "mom and dad in my head" were not the same people as the mom and dad who live in (Anytown, USa) - the head-parents are gross and unfair distortions of the real-parents, and it's not fair of me to blame the real folk for the chatter of the head folk.
Obviously, the real folk are a problem in and of themselves, but it's still a distinction that needs to be paid attention to.
Okay, some practical advice:
Silence is an extraordinarily powerful tool. �When your mom goes off on a rant on the phone, don't answer - either out loud or in your head. �If it's too negative/strong/painful, ignore it, or else just let it flow past you while you look for Truth in all the mush.
When she's talking, don't agree. �Don't disagree. �Don't grunt, don't say "yeah," don't say "but." �Just let her talk her own energy out.
Make silence your habit.
When she stops and asks specific questions, pause. �Take a deep breath. Make sure you're clear - mentally, emotionally, spiritually. �She'll complain about that, and might start into another rant about your pause or whatever -
- at which point you remain silent (ignore or analyze, whichever works internally for whatever she's dishing.)
Eventually, she'll want a reply. �So think clearly, calmly, and answer softly, slowly, lovingly, gracefully. �Use short clear sentences about yourself - don't talk about her. �If your answer is "I can't let your emotional crap infect me anymore," phrase it something like "I'm working on becoming calm and centered and focused."
A series of lines to use - whenever you want or need to:
"I'm sorry, mom, but I can't have this conversation right now. �Can we change the subject?"
...then, when she doesn't change the subject...
"I'm sorry, mom, but since we can't change the subject, I'm going to have to hang up the phone now."
...then, when she still won't let it go - speak over her and say:
"I love you, mom, I'll talk to you again in a week when we're able to better communicate - 'bye." and hang up the phone.
If she calls back, and starts right back in, simply say:
"I'm sorry mom, I can't have this conversation, I love you and I'll talk to you later, goodbye." and hang up again.
Repeat as necessary.
Eventually, just like you're training (your children) - you'll train her.
When she says something that hurts you, or angers you, or frustrates you, or saddens you - take out that emotion and look at it. �Look at why she has the power over you in all those areas. �(I'm not saying that's a negative thing - we all have power over others, and complete strangers have those powers over us oftentimes!) �But those emotions don't come from outside, they come from within; you either have a wound that needs healing, a ghost that needs dispelling, a sin that needs repenting, a lie that needs rebuking, and so on - probably a combination of all of the above, right? <smile>
If God has your mom in your life, assume in every conversation "this present moment is exactly as it should be".
And maybe - just maybe - you can teach her peace, and she'll eventually talk out all the bile and pain and suffering, and the relationship will heal.
When she says something that hurts you, or angers you, or frustrates you, or saddens you - take out that emotion and look at it. �Look at why she has the power over you in all those areas. �(I'm not saying that's a negative thing - we all have power over others, and complete strangers have those powers over us oftentimes!) �But those emotions don't come from outside, they come from within; you either have a wound that needs healing, a ghost that needs dispelling, a sin that needs repenting, a lie that needs rebuking, and so on - probably a combination of all of the above, right? <smile>
BTW - your mom will be very, very frustrated by your indulging in this process - so don't forget the silence. �If she asks "why aren't you talking?" just say - honestly - "I'm just thinking this through."
Tell her about the silence, "I want to make sure I say what I mean clearly so we're talking to each other rather than at or past each other."
And again - she'll always have one of two reactions: either she'll get wound up on a rant again - in which case, just let it flow - or she'll ask the same questions over and over - in which case give the same answers (like "I'm just thinking this through.") �Just because she asks the same question in different ways doesn't mean you have to give different answers.
