I was planning on HSing her this year, but DH and MIL pressured me into enrolling her in public school for the "social" benefits. (The word "social" makes me cringe
!! They both use this word so excessively it's like that's all they care about!) While I by no means tend for my child to be a hermit, I do believe that every child is different and not all children benefit from being in large groups (myself and my husband both prefer small groups and "clam up" in large groups so he should be understanding).
Hi AMS! Welcome!
You've got a tough row to hoe here! Looks like DH is under that common mistaken assumption that if he had been raised differently that he would have a different temperment. My own DS12 has been telling me lately that he wishes I had put him in a crib as a baby so that he would be more solid sleeper now, so I know that even very intelligent people can make this mistake.
I believe that each parent has a moral obligation to their child to do as best they can for their child, even if this is different from what the spouse thinks, if the situation is extreame enough. But what a difficult path this is. If you want to keep your marriage, then it is imperitive that you spend lots of time and energy negotiating and listening to your DH, and try and see if the two of you can come to a middle road.
You will need this 'united front' with DH in order to prevent your DD5 from learning to play one off the other anyway.
Once you have decided on your 'united front' they it's time to share with MIL how bad she is making to feel and what you think that she is trying to imply. First I would try and listen to her and see where she got her ideas. My hunch is that if you listen with love and respect, and remember that these ideas had to make sense at some point in her past,then eventually she will loosen up. Something pretty major must have happened to her to feel that survival and 'showing up' are so linked. If you can't actually muster listening with love and respect and an open mind, then you can at least listen as best you can and figure out where the 'holes in her logic' are, so you can calmly reply with 'I hear that you feel X, but DH and I feel Y, and I don't want to discuss it anymore today.' Then quickly change the subject. As much as she loves her Grandaughter, she must have some other interests.
So, you have an unhappy daughter. She wants a blackboard and your teaching attention. Of course you can 'Afterschool' her and teach her whatever you both enjoy and is in her 'readiness level.' That may be first grade, 2nd grade or something else entirely. Once you get an idea of what she is actually thrilled to learn, (this might take a little as 3 weeks) put together a portfolio and bring it to the teacher and then the gifted coordinator or school principle, asking that your dd's special educational needs be met.
Although you have pulling her out mid-year as an option, of course it builds up the idea that if something in life is uncomfortable, then it can be walked away from. This isn't the worst lesson you can teach, but given that your DH is not yet firmly on your side, then perhaps a better alternative is to 'fight' the system and see if you can get a full gradeskip or subject accelerations. I expect that the social aspects would improve, although she might find the kids big and scary, it might be just the opposite, as she sees that they behave closer to her own self-expectations. As you go through your own assesment and demonstrate to your DH what her special educational needs are, and bring him along the 'grade-skip' advocacy road, my hunch is that he will start to see the situation as you do, and become an ally for the 'homeschool alternative.'
It's hard to tell from your post if she is really at the 'pull her at any cost' stage, or if you have the rest of the year to model going after difficult things (a grade skip) and then keep her home next year. There doesn't happen to be a wonderful 1st grade teacher at your school does there?
If switching to a private school sounds more appealing that a grade skip in the regular school (smaller classes, more unit studies approach) then perhaps that's a better 'paper tiger' to persue. The key is to have some kind of negotiation with DH. (the book 'Getting to Yes' is wonderful)
I haven't mentioned the alternative kind of assesment, which is to hire a professional and get their advice. IF you can find one that is a resource for 'well, what do we do next' and perhaps for helping parents learn to 'be on the same team' that would be even better. If you can say what your 'traveling range' is, we can try to suggest an expert. Perhaps you already have had a professional assesment, and can use that person as a resource.
((Handshake))
You are now recieving your 'Mom Scout Sash' and I look forward to you earning 'badge' after 'badge' in all the challenging aspects of love and parenting, Congratulations!
Grinity
