Does your DH really see your daughter's situation clearly? Has he spent time with her after school, say, listening to her talk about how she feels? Has he visited the school to observe? Or is he just ignoring her reality (and yours!) and wishing that things will get better? Does he understand that there are homeschooling groups and classes so that HSed kids get social time with groups? It's NOT locking the kid in the basement and throwing books down the stairs to her!
I agree with Grinity that parents MUST put on a united front, but my DH and I also think that the parent who is not home with the kids gets less of a vote about how they're raised. I don't go to his office and tell him how to do his job--though he consults with me and asks my advice when it helps him--and he doesn't come to my job at home with the kids and tell me how to do it as if he knows better--though I talk through what to do with him and ask his advice on a daily basis. We play to our strengths.
If he had a strong objection to something I'm doing, that would be a big concern for me and we'd certainly talk a lot about it. But he respects my take on the kids and he understands that since I'm the primary caregiver and I'm with the kids much more than he is, my take is probably more accurate than his. He doesn't second-guess me. He supports me.
We jointly made the decision to homeschool, but much of the "evidence" we used to come to that decision was based on my observations of our son and the school. Therefore, what I said and how I felt greatly influenced his position.
Now, in your case, it seems to me that your primary problem is that your husband doesn't really respect your take on the kids. Either he needs firsthand evidence that your DD is not where she belongs (because your view cannot be trusted) or you need to change the nature of your relationship and introduce more respect.
Personally, I'd address that basic problem in the relationship first, before dealing with the issue of what to do about your DD's education. I think it's time for a long talk with your DH after the kids are in bed. You can't do your job if he doesn't respect you.
As for your MIL, silently remind yourself that it's not her child, and while she can certainly have an opinion and express it, it doesn't mean you have to do anything about it! You and your DH are the only votes that truly matter. Do listen to what she has to say. Do ask questions and really dig into why she thinks as she does, because a) she might have some good points that you haven't heard, and b) she will feel better and less required to push you if she knows she has been really listened to. But listening does NOT mean that you and your DH have to do what she wants. Your child, your decision.
If you do decide to homeschool, you will have to have a series of hard talks with your MIL. I figured my mom would be the judger when we were considering homeschooling, and my approach was to talk with her before the decision was made to ask what her concerns were. Then I researched her concerns and shared what I had learned with her. Finally, after many talks, I informed her that we had decided to homeschool, and while I knew she was nervous about that decision, I hoped that we would have her support. Because I had listened to her throughout--even soliciting her opinion!--and I had taken her concerns seriously, she became surprisingly supportive. I don't think she's completely on board. She still wishes DS were in a traditional school. But she isn't undermining me, and she even taught him a science lesson once when they were visiting. So I consider the process a success!
Finally--and importantly--I have to address the "pulling a child out mid-year teaches her it's okay to quit when things are hard." I find that point of view very troubling.
If you pull a child out of an activity everytime she whines a little, then yes, it's a problem. I don't think that helicopter parenting is at all good for kids.
But taking a deeply miserable child out of a lousy educational fit once in her young life teaches a child that you see her experiences as they really are, you love her, and that she can trust you even when things are at their worst. Is it better to leave the child in the bad situation? What does that teach her? That school is awful and her parents don't care if she is unhappy and depressed. Not better!
Half a school year is a LOOOOOOONG time for a 5yo. Given what you've described, I think you are right that something needs to change. I definitely think that emotional damage can be done in a bad educational situation. All kinds of bad habits are taught in a bad school fit: underachievement, "I'm stupid," poor work ethic, etc.
I would ask this: overall, is school making her a better person or a worse one? If it's not making her better, then what's the point?
If your mom gut is telling you that homeschooling is the answer, I think you have to take that seriously. There are many ways to fix a bad situation, and considering many ways to solve the problem before you make a decision is smart. More choices are better than fewer, and maybe you've overlooked something. Maybe the school is willing and able to adapt for your DD. But there IS a problem here, and it is time to find a solution.
If you've explored your options and your gut says to pull her out, then I think you need to work to make that happen.
We pulled DS out of 1st grade because he had gone from a happy, friendly, rule-abiding boy to a cranky, angry, sad kid who lost recess time nearly every day and hit his brother when he got home. He was receiving no adaptations whatsoever, and he was suffering. We didn't see any way our very rigid "We're a very good school" school system was going to make things better for him. After about 6 weeks of 1st grade, we pulled him out for homeschooling, and his behavior returned to normal IMMEDIATELY! We're now in our 2nd year of homeschooling, and it has been so good for him.
It's not the solution for everyone, but it is a valid solution. And he functions very well in groups!
