I've had several conversations about natural consequences. It's something I've had issues with from time to time. Say, for example, DC doesn't want to brush his teeth. The natural consequence is that he develops cavities which require not so pleasant visit to the dentist which also costs the parents money. It's not a consequence the child will understand in the short term. My friend's 9yr old has had numerous cavities filled which is terrifying for him, yet after a few days, it wears off and he's back to not brushing his teeth. To me that's a natural consequence.
Now i've read it should all be about natural consequences. If you say, we aren't leaving for that playdate until your teeth are brushed, that is not a natural consequence. Now, it might be an agreed upon consequence w/ DC as in "Son, this is what happens when you don't get your chores done which includes brushing your teeth," but it's not a natural consequence, it's an imposed consequence. Is that the same as a punishment in the kid's eyes?
A friend related this to me from a a child psychologist she was talking to about consequences. You give Johnny a piece of gum. You tell Johnny not to blow bubbles b/c he will drop his gum in the dirt and he won't get another. Johnny doesn't listen, blows a bubble, drops his gum in the dirt. He asks for another piece. You say no, he understood the consequence of his action. What little Johnny really understands is that mommy doesn't want to share b/c he knows she has more gum in her purse. Of course, her 6yr old was being seen by the psych so this wouldn't hold for an older child.
I often revert to examples using DH's job. DH has 15 people under him. What would happnen if a few of them decided not to do their job when they are supposed to do it? (I let DS think up things that might happen.) I tell him it's the same w/ the family. If they don't empty the dishwasher in the AM, the dishes back up at lunch time. LUnch is delayed b/c we have to stop and unload the dishwasher so we can clear away the breakfast dishes blah blah blah. And some days, I wish I could just say "It's time to unload the dishwasher" and they just do it w/out discussion.
We don't use exclusively natural consequences, but I do think it is possible and beneficial (for someone with more patience than I have) to use them exclusively. For me, the question is how you look at your family structure. If you imagine more of a workplace structure (with bosses & underlings), natural consequences are not for you.
Assuming that you want more of a communal relationship with your child, natural consequences are great, and they can include statements like, "I feel embarrassed to be seen in public with someone who has not brushed his or her teeth and hair and put clean clothes on--so I don't want to go to the park with you until you've done that." When necessary, I tell DD, "I don't want to be around someone who hits me or is disrespectful," and I do refuse to be around her when she acts like that. I consider that to be a very natural consequence, and it is one that she feels keenly.
The purpose of a apology is to express genuine feeling of regret and to take responsibility for the hurt you caused another person. To simply require a child to do that by rote ("say you're sorry) takes away from the bigger goal of helping them learn to identify and process their own feelings and learn to accept responsibility. Forcing "I'm sorry" is nothing more than teaching kids to impersonate genuine feelings of remorse and that faking can become a habit of lying that carries over into other situations. Tell then what they want to hear so they shut up.
So I've
never told DD to apologize (though I have asked her if she wants to when she has hurt someone other than me), but somehow she's started apologizing when she clearly doesn't mean it. I have told her several times that I don't want her to say anything that she doesn't mean, but it hasn't helped. I am pretty tired of having "I'M SORRY" yelled in my face. I wonder if you've got suggestions for eliminating this issue when it is not caused by forced apologies?
