We talk about things in terms of choices, "If you choose to do x, you are choosing y", "I'm sorry you are unhappy with the choice you made, you understood that you were choosing the consequence, hopefully tomorrow you will make a different choice that you will be happier with.", "You made a great choice there, thanks for your cooperation!".
I want my kids to take personal responsibility. Consequences aren't things I *do* to the kids, they are the "then" part of the "if, then" sequence and they *choose* the "then" when they choose the "if". Adult life is a series of choices, and beyond truly dangerous things, I want my kids to feel empowered to practice making choices now. My authority as their parent comes from defining the choices and following through with the consequence (good or bad) of the choices they make, not making the choices for them.
The kids know they can ask me about any rule, I will be happy to explain it to them as long as they are asking in the spirit of cooperation and understanding. I won't argue with them and will be quick and firm when they start arguing, "I am not arguing with you. You know what your options are, what is your choice?" (and refusing to choose between the options is a choice and also comes with consequences). But, like CAMom, if the kids have suggestions for rule changes I am always willing to listen and discuss, as long as the rule is not currently being broken.
At least that's how things work on the good days, lol. On the bad days, we just try to muddle through and make better choices
