Hi, Crisc,
I haven't had much luck advocating, so I'm learning as well from what others have said. Here are a few things I wish I had done last year in a similar situation:
1. LISTEN to the teacher the entire meeting - hear her out and see if this is even a person who is going to be able to meet you part way. Make it your goal to just listen and make notes and then maybe figure out a way later to get what you need.
2. Have your DH go with you. Even if he says nothing. It is sad but it seems to be true that teachers/admins respect and listen to dads more than to moms. (I don't think this is how it should be; I do think it is how it is in many cases.)
3. Take someone else with you (even if DH goes) and have that person take notes. Have her/him write down as much as is possible that is said by both parties. If DH can't go, this person can also step in when you get too emotional (mad, sad, angry, frustrated, whatever) and help defuse a power struggle. Have a prearranged signal or code word or a question that your observer can ask to deflect from you until you get it back under control. I would just introduce him/her as a friend (Wonder if it makes a difference if this person is a man???).
4. Be a broken record: "I understand blah, blah, blah, I need to know x,y,z" until you get somewhere.
5. Avoid arguing with the teacher, even if you are right. It won't matter and she'll never agree. And, remember, you'd rather be successful than right (or I would, anyway).
6. Make a list of a few things you want for your child. If she doesn't seem to be able to meet the first one, go to the next. Perhaps if you can get her to agree on one thing, that would be a good start.
7. I read somewhere to sit on the right of whoever in the room has the most authority. That way, you can see what that person is writing down. Typically, whatever she/he writes down is what is the take-away from the meeting.
I don't know if any of that will help. I do know what you are going through and wish you didn't have to go through it. Keep us posted!
