I'm really struggling this week with similar questions. Although with DS 12 our confrontation point isn't lying about the work, I am dealing with flat out refusal to do it, and an unbelievable amount of negative attitude and refusal to take responsibility for figuring out how to deal with the problem.
For what it's worth, on pretty much every resource I've ever looked at about ADHD or executive function, doing the work but not handing it in tops the list. Coupled with lying about it to cover up the failure. These are pure, archetypical behaviours of people with executive function deficits.
But - - - but - - - there's so much behaviour that feels so much like choosing, like it's intentional. What do you DO with that? I too find this really, really hard. When the kid says "I can't do this" and yells and freaks out and cries at every possible question about what, exactly, is making it so hard; at every offer to brainstorm ideas; at every suggestion of a possible different approach. Who every time I try to speak is yelling "No! I am NOT being negative and I'm NOT shouting down every suggestion you make without listening to it, I have NOT made up my mind that this is impossible and I am NOT refusing to consider alternate approaches". Oddly, when I asked if he saw the irony, it didn't help. :P
This 3-piece assignment was given ages ago, and there has been some class time to do it. I have been lightly checking in, but on his teacher's clear request, not getting directly involved. A week ago, however, I started asking some pointed questions. It's pretty clear his plan was going to involve simply not doing it, and hope, somehow, that it would magically go away.
His plan did not involve in any way discussing the work with the teacher, despite our many, many discussions that he can always get help, even discuss the possibility of modifying tasks or deadlines if need be, AS LONG AS HE ASKS WELL BEFORE THE DUE DATE. But you can't, can't, CAN'T wait until something should have already been handed in, and THEN say "I'm having a problem".
But somehow this is my fault because he didn't go to the teacher anytime in the last several weeks because he wasn't having a problem until I tried to make him finish the work this weekend. And the assignment he didn't ever even start because it was impossible (as opposed to the others which were just hard)? It was too impossible to ever start in all the time he had, but somehow he didn't know until this weekend that he *couldn't* do it, even though he didn't try to start it at any point in the last month because it was too hard, so he never discussed it with the teacher because it wasn't a problem until I got involved and somehow this is all my fault.
(Did I mention that we had a four-day weekend up here in the Great White North, so all this is going on at my mother-in-law's? Oh so much fun).
I am trying to come at this from a nice , calm, OK, you need to do this. How do you think you can get there? What's another way? How can I help you?
I know that if he sees this work as "impossible", that's not choice. That's his deficits speaking (I suspect a big dose of expressive language in with the ADHD). And I know kids with ADHD avoid and lie. That, too, is not "choice" in the way we usually think of it. But taking responsibility for his work, his actions? Recognizing what's hard for him and owning it, so that I and others can help him find other ways? Where in all this mess does choice come in? How do we hold him accountable for his work and the unacceptable behaviours, while recognizing the disabilities that are driving the behaviour? I am trying to separate the two and help him understand the difference. He's not accountable for his LDs, but he is accountable for how he chooses to deal with them. I'm failing miserably, and we're both pretty miserable.
But his life strategy for *everything* emotionally or cognitively difficult is avoidance. This is a deep, fundamental piece of him I am struggling with.
Yeah, no suggestions today. Just a whole lot of empathy and lots more questions.
