Huge hugs, ultramarina. You have gotten through much, and you will help your DD through this, you really will. Deep breath. (Deep wine glass.)
Grasping at straws thought: is there by any chance a teacher, friend or relative whose opinion of her particularly matters to her, who may be able to talk to her about what's going on? Someone who's out of the daily fray can often get traction where we're just in too deep.
Natural consequences can be a tough concept when you can't separate the "can't" from the "won't". You don't want to accept unacceptable behaviour, and you do want your child to build up self-responsibility - - - BUT you don't want to punish for disability. And so often, the underlying driver for obnoxious behaviour is fear. What is she afraid of?
Digging out and supporting the underlying problem while uncompromisingly addressing the bad coping behaviour is a brutally-tricky tightrope walk. With flaming alligators underneath (uh.... think I've been reading too much Rick Riordan with the kids, sorry). The Manipulative Child is the book that keeps coming up here; I remember HK and others as huge fans. Maybe it could help untangle some of this?
