Eco I think you are at the overwhelmed and over emotional part of the advocacy process. We have all been there. Take a deep breath. You have a few days before you need to respond to the district. Step back and assess before you decide on a course of action.
Early on in our journey my advocate told me about another family he was working with who had just been turned down for *any* services despite their child's obvious need. These caring, committed, dedicated parents had spent thousands of dollars to get their child 15 hours a week of tutoring services. This meant that he *barely* passed by the skin of his teeth. It also meant the district denied their requests for services because he was passing. In other words their approach totally backfired. Thousands of dollars out of pocket, huge time commitment for the child and absolutely no better a result. It saved the district a bunch of resources with no better outcome for the child.
What I learned from this is that the district HAS to see the real child if they are going to recognize their needs. You have said repeatedly how much support you provide (perhaps it is scaffolding or perhaps it goes beyond that level - I can't tell for sure) and how you are tempted to let him go to school as he really is. You have expressed that you don't think it would be fair to your DS to do this though. Based on the story above I think it may be time to do this. How can they know what he *really* needs if you are protecting him from showing it? How much time does your school handbook say is age/grade appropriate? What would happen if you didn't assist with homework and set a timer for the amount of time they say he should be spending? Let them know in advance you will be removing the scaffolding and supports for a week and let him just function on his own. One of 2 things is likely to happen - either he will rise to the occasion and you will see capabilities you may not have known were there or the school will be forced to see the level at which he is actually functioning. You can't fix what you don't know is there. This may feel all wrong to you but I think it may be a necessary step in the advocacy process for you.
I don't think you are yet at the point where a meeting with the superintendent would be helpful. I'm not sure if you are ready for the Dept of Ed either. I think you need to get to a point of detached clarity before either of these steps would be helpful.
I think an advocate would be helpful. If the one you have can't help you come up with a clearly defined step-by-step plan it would be good to talk to an attorney. It is important to use the correct language when responding or making requests. I think an advocate should be able to help with this. If you are feeling too overwhelmed, though, the money spent on an attorney letter would be well spent.
You keep saying that they don't think this program is a good fit for your DS and the threat of removing him from it is hanging over your head. Part of getting to that all important point of detached clarity will probably be looking closer at this. Is it a good fit for him? What exactly would the alternative look like for him? Is it possible that another alternative exists that could meet his needs without the difficulties he is having here? Part of effective advocacy is a willingness to keep an open mind and look at everything from every angle. You may end up right back where you started but in the process you gain a lot of information and the ability to see your child (the strengths and the weaknesses) from a variety of perspectives. This can be extremely helpful.
So for now make sure you know how long you have to file a response, what specific language is needed, what laws or district polices cover your current situation, etc. Think seriously about what would happen if you allowed the school to really see how his disabilities affect him. Also think seriously about whether your resources could be better spent looking at a different program for him rather than fighting for this one. Sometimes as much as we want something to work it's just not the right program. Then again sometimes it is but we have to work really hard to get it right. I've had both experiences and sometimes it's nothing more than "mom gut" that tells me the difference. But you have to get to that detached clarity to be able to feel it...
Hope some of this helps. I am now 5 years into my advocacy journey. It DOES get better. I promise.
