Ouch.
Well, I can't say what we'd have done with DD here, because she was totally non-disruptive (almost shy/fearful-seeming?) with other authority figures at this age. Well-- until she got to know them well enough that they were in her inner circle. To wit, I have frequently joked that having DD "trust" you that way is probably best viewed with a somewhat Dante-esque perspective, and moomin's DD is a good example of why. Her style was just different-- less overtly disruptive, and more passive. (I've mentioned the nickname "Little Ghandi" though, yes?)
She's fine until you cross her agenda... which on average, in a novel environment, is pretty broad and flexible. When she has HER agenda, though, and someone crosses it or interferes with her ability to pursue it, watch out.
It's not really about autonomy. Not about control. Not about anxiety. Not about rewards, not about punishment, not even really about perfectionism, so far as we can tell. What is it about? Who knows. But behavior modification is a non-starter with her because she is SO cagey about just what her currency is. And it seems to change-- just when you think "AHA! I know what matters to you!" then she finds a way to supply it independent of the 'system' (and justifies it as a basic need, or something), or walks away from it emotionally to deprive us of the lever to modify other behavior.
Sounding familiar?
Sounds like learning is her currency, Moomin. Unfortunately, as you likely already know, promising that she will get a reward for compliance is something that you don't have a ton of control over a lot of the time, and when you're wrong, she loses trust in you (and judges the entire system to be corrupt/unfair).
We did this dance with DD for many years before we figured out that we were setting up an oppositional relationship with her that we didn't even control OUR end of-- that is, we'd promise "do your work and it will get better, you'll see-- new, shiny! Exciting! Next year..." but then it didn't. This lasted for about five years, but each one got increasingly worse, both in her anxiety, her perfectionism, and her escapist/avoidant/defiant behavior.
We had to step back and let her know that we are on HER side, and that we just want her to have tools to be happy in a variety of settings and under a variety of expectations.
I'm not sure that I have any advice for you here... but definitely don't promise what YOU can't deliver, even if you know/suspect that it would be a great currency for her. You personally, I mean. I've been down that road, and it goes nowhere good.
It's really all about unmet needs, when you get right down to it. Some kids do NOT respond well to environments that do not meet a primary need for themselves-- and some of those needs are quite unconventional/idiosyncratic in HG+ kids. A smaller subset of them are furtive about even digging into what those needs actually are. Again, I have one of these. She's afraid to let anything matter "too much" to her, because she cannot stand to "lose" if she plays the game, and even moreso if it feels unfair to her because she did what was required and STILL didn't get the proper reward/payment.
