�He doesn't mind the time-outs, they're done right there without leaving the table. �And it really does settle him down. �
La T,
Wow! That sounds so awesome! You must be so proud of your son! I'm so proud of you!
How long are are you setting that timer for?
Here's my advice for your dilemma, and a bit of 'picking on you' thrown it with lots of love. Personally, I really value folks who can steer me clear of the rocks, so I hope you aren't offended.
The reason he 'puts himself in timeout' is that he recognizes that he feels better after the settle down.
I would discourage you from asking him 'what he did' - it just feed energy to the negativity, and you are all about feeding energy to the positivity, right?
I would encourage you to energize his thoughtfulness of communication for letting you know where he'll be. (I used to get very worried when all noise from my DS ceased - in our house that meant trouble!) I would also encourage you to make a super big deal when he leaves time out about how wise he is to be able to notice that he needed a time out, and how strong he is for translating that into action, and how well he did at using the time out.
I would even question the words 'you need a time-out.' What kind of tone goes with that?
The 'you' makes it so personal. Think of a sports ref on the basketball court - they blow a whistle and point, 'nothing personal kid, you're foots on the line.' Think monotone. Think mutter. Think body language. Yup?
When your son 'got wild' he probably broke a rule (and you are allowed to make up rules on the spot, something about 'no commotions in public places.' Then you can say, 'bummer, broke a rule, time out, use this' and leave your son to figure out what the rule was at a later moment. You can help out before or after the fact by super praising correct restaurant behavior. It's even ok to make a silly game of all the things not to do in restaurants in the car on the way there. That's what DS and I used to do on the way to library and playdates.
Me:'Throw rocks at friends at the playground?'
DS(age 2) 'Oh no!'
Me: 'what happens when rocks are thrown?'
DS: Go home fast!
In fact, if you are brave, you can leave out the 'bummer broke a rule' and just announce 'timeout time' out of the blue. That seems so abrupt and shocking, doesn't it? But then you are teaching HIM to monitor his own behavior and make the association between 'getting wild' and 'time out time'
NHA considers all warnings and delays as paying attention to negativity. Even that he wanted to line up the crayons and you were willing. You might practice having him close his eyes and imagining the flower. Also the warnings make Time out into something negative, which it totally isn't. Time outs are a celebration of many things:
1) That you have rules.
2) That your son has the free will to break the rules
3) That you have the wisdom to signal that a rule is broken without feeding the negative energy.
4) That he has the ability to get back on track without a 'federal case' being made over the whole thing.
One key is to mention, perhaps today when things are going well, "I had this idea that we could practice surprise time outs today. Today we'll do 6 time outs together even when no rule is broken, just so we can practice them and show how strong we are." Then, during the day when things are going really well (not when he is at the edge of wild) call, "Practice Time Out" and do one - 6 times! You'll be on the spot to super-praise how well he does, and I know you can do it!
Another day when things are going well, you can do 'Practice time outs' as if you were in a Restaurant. (Maybe teach him to use a variety of coins - they are always available -?)
Giant Hugs to you La T - What a dramatic example you are of success!
Love and More Love,
Grinity
