Thanks for the replies and suggestions!
FrustratedNJMom, I will read that book, and look for some others on the subject. I do have a hard time determining people's intentions, so maybe the books will help with that. If I do know what she's tantruming about, then I am careful not to give it to her. But the less tangible things are hard for me to figure out sometimes. I don't know if it is similar to 123 Magic, but I read Love and Logic and liked it, but I had a hard time coming up with a 'natural consequence' for her actions that made sense for the situation, so I just always ended up using time outs.
Spook, I like your suggestion with the reward system. We have a system now that is slightly similar but uses marbles that she can turn in for various rewards. I have a list of rewards she can earn, and how many marbles each reward costs. Our system was different in that she would get 5 marbles a day and would lose them for each behavioral problem. She could keep any left at the end of the day. She could also earn extras for good behavior or helping beyond her normal chores. The problem is that I'm terrible about remembering to use the system. It would be pretty easy to switch it up and just give them when she is good and not take away for bad behavior. She is quick to turn things to her advantage though, so I do worry about her saying "look at this good thing I did, can I get a marble?" constantly. Did you ever encounter that problem? I'm so glad that you have had such stellar results! It is encouraging to me!
