Manipulation can be conscious or unconscious and not value laden, its how we interact with the world. From the time a baby is born it uses its few available tools to manipulate its environment, from crying for attention to smiling for attention. We might wear a business suit to an interview or meeting to appear professional, in that sense we manipulate our image, its not a bad thing and is actually expected.

So if we accept that all parties in this situation are manipulating it, consciously or unconsciously, we need to better understand what is driving each person's behaviour.

Which brings me to my question about the teacher and her child with ADHD. Consider the following emotionally charged imaginary scenario.

You are the teacher with your professional knowledge and a child of your own who you think is similar to the one in front of you. You offer your excellent "been there done that" advice and the parent rejects it. Then the parent tries to tell you how to do your job. You know your job and you know what that child needs which is to be medicated like your child...because if you have made that decision it must be the right one. If the parent is not medicating their child, then they must be wrong mustn't they. It couldn't be that you have made a mistake or done the wrong thing (and they haven't they are just second guessing themselves because someone else is doing something different). In order to show I have done the right thing by my child I will constantly point out the ways that ignoring my advice is negatively impacting this other child in school. Maybe then the parents will see the error of their ways. But wait, now the parent is garnering an army of people who are all against me. This is so unfair.......And so on.

You can write that scenario a whole host of ways emphasising the frustration and anger the teacher is feeling about her inability to get what she thinks is the right response which is for you to do what she says. And now not only is the parent ignoring me, the school is ignoring me and the child is ignoring me. Powerless and angry the teacher fights back in small ways to try and wrest control of the situation.

Whatever is driving the teacher, you and your son have ended up in a power struggle and at the moment everyone is losing. That doesn't mean you were wrong to advocate, not at all. It doesn't mean it is ok that your child is being treated this way. But if you want to stay at that school and your child wants to stay in that class, you have to find a way back from the brink and negate the power struggle that exists.

Think hard about any times you have had a positive response from this teacher. Any situations when you have been able to validate her as a teacher or a mother? Have you any common ground to work from? You do, the fact that you are both in the difficult position of raising kids with challenges.

Is there any chance you can go to her in a conciliatory way and seek advice or assistance or just reset the conversation. There may not be but you are going to need to find some connection or place to start so you can work with her.

It is not wrong or giving in or conforming to alter the way you feel or respond to a situation in order to improve it. To be able to change is to be powerful. Wars have started because of people being so wedded to their position and their hurt, which is genuine, that they can't find a way to the bigger goal.

You have nothing to lose as the current situation is clearly not working.

Remember I am not in your position and I am not trying to diminish how awful it is. I am just looking as broadly as I can at it knowing I have been where you are recently and I had to stop so I did not end up at the foot of the cliff.

I do wish you the best.