Thanks everyone - the Jane Goodall idea is brilliant. And Dude your explanation of the dynamics was as spot on as if you had been there. The boys wanted to play basketball and everyone agreed on the rules. Then after a basket DD failed to "check it" or some such thing and the boys started screaming at her, calling her names, etc. Apparently DD stood her ground (and held onto the ball) as she told them they hadn't said anything about this when explaining the rules. She was taken totally off guard that these boys - who are genuine friends - treated her this way. She had flashbacks to her awful kindergarten experiences where she was regularly hit, kicked, pinched, scratched, etc. Then she panicked and ran out of the gym - not sure if she was crying but clearly *very* upset. The SW spoke to the boys who were, just as Dude said, completely mystified by her reaction. She remained upset the rest of the day and each boy made it a point to apologize to her but the damage was done. That night she said "I just wouldn't feel safe having those boys at my birthday party." That was Friday. On Monday she was informed the other girl was leaving. The next day her pet Beta fish died. Bad, bad timing...
She has been in dance classes for 7 years and also does musical theater in an almost all girl class so has girl time outside of school. She also has a lot of girl friends outside of school. The day before the other girl left I took both of them to lunch at a "tea party restaurant" and for some shopping - a real "girl day". I have also planned a surprise pre-birthday slumber party for next weekend figuring she need some serious "girl time" and I don't know what she will eventually decide about her birthday party in January.
I have discussed the situation with the school and they have told her "She is free to 'take some space' whenever she needs it." We brought in a small sewing machine so DD and one of the teachers can make doll clothes, etc during recess. I also asked that they speak to the boys about trying to understand DD's perspective on what it must feel like to be the only girl when they treat her like that. The SW is supposed to do that one-on-one with each next week. Apparently the other day during gym they were playing football (really? Is that necessary?) and DD got frustrated that the boys who knew the rules were being dismissive of those that didn't and told them to knock it off. According to the teacher they had a class meeting afterwards and DD was quite eloquent in explaining how they need to be more respectful in those situations. Teacher was "so proud of her" but I am concerned about her taking on this role. I guess it's better than feeling like a victim but still not what I would have wanted for her in 4th grade...
Interestingly she has bought a whole bunch of "Be the teacher for a half hour" cards from the reward store. Actually she bought every one that they had. I think this means that she is aligning herself emotionally more with the teachers than with the other kids. I don't know - self defense or just for fun?
I told her she needs to just take care of her own work and not lose sight of the fact that these boys are her friends. These are the same boys they have always been - they are not mean boys, they're just boys. This is where I can add Dude's approach of treating it like an anthropological experience. I also pointed out that if she were in a larger school it is highly unlikely she would spend recess playing basketball with a group of boys but at a small school there has to be a lot more flexibility.
Really though last year one of these boys taught DD how to shoot a basket (and then made it a point to come meet me and said "I was just SO proud of her when she made that first basket!") and another actually noticed she had a migraine at her birthday party last year and sat with her wiping her face with a cool cloth until her meds kicked in (Yeah the parents of her 'home friends' just about melted when they saw this and started asking what they would have to do to get their kids placed at the spec Ed school...) So they really are nice boys but I guess any group of males this age will eventually create a frat house environment huh?
High school girl on her bus transferred out, middle school girl from her 8th grade reading group transferred out and the other girl for last year's class transferred to the "alternative program" designed for kids with ED so not much room for contact there. So yes, DD is basically in an all boy environment. At least until someone finds a way to pull more girls out of a magic hat. But yes, valuable lessons to be learned about operating in a male dominated environment. Thanks for all the input.
