They are also older, 9-11 years old instead of 8-10 like last year, if that makes a difference. Also at least one 1st grader follows the lead of the older boys.
It would appear to. Behavior issues among kids are at their absolute worst for grades 6-8, says every teacher I've ever had, and my DD9 is confirming this with her tales of the 6th graders in her mixed-grade GT classes.
So basically, the alpha males in your DD's classroom are not only in the worst age group, they're also gifted (so, intensity), and ADHD? Yikes.
I don't have any BTDT experience, as my DD's school experience is a fairly even gender mix, but in your place, here's how I would address it:
- I would encourage my DD to seek common interests with the boys, and engage them in those.
- I would discuss with my DD how children of different genders address conflict. Girls are apt to be quiet and indirect, where boys are loud and direct. At its worst, it leads to mean-girl behavior on one side (shunning, back-handed compliments, "accidents," etc) and obvious intimidation and/or abuse on the other (verbal and/or physical). Neither approach is really better or worse than the other, they're just different (although it's worth noting here that I've known a number of females who shun female company because they prefer the directness of males).
- Next, I would ask her to quietly observe the boys when they're interacting with each other. Maybe explain it like she's Jane Goodall observing chimp behavior, if that helps. The basketball game would make an ideal natural habitat for observation. Notice how they talk to each other. They goad. They tease. They taunt. They yell. They insult. Sometimes it leads to a confrontation, but more often than not, the harsh words don't match with the observed reactions. Sometimes the target is laughing. Other times, it has no visible effect. Sometimes two boys will seem to be on the verge of fighting, and ten minutes later, it's like the event never happened.
The conclusion to be drawn from these observations is this: the boys did not expect your DD to be so hurt by their words, because they do this with each other
all the time, and they don't react the same way. They honestly do not understand your DD's reaction, because it does not match their frame of reference. It's alien to them.
This might help your DD understand where they're coming from, and take some of it less personally.
- But she's still going to be upset from time to time, and it's important that the boys gain some understanding of your DD, too. So...
... ummm, I'm not encouraging emotional blackmail here or anything, but... uhhh... it IS well established that most boys tend to pay significant attention to it when a girl is...
crying. So, maybe if she's really upset, she doesn't go find a quiet corner and hide her feelings?
- An email to the teacher explaining your DD's plight might be in order, as well. It might be quite effective if your DD's teacher could give a quick lecture on gentlemanly behavior. Also, anytime your DD is made upset by the boys, she should be reporting it to the teacher.
